small everydays

2012-02-03T10:16:00.001-05:00

Runaway baby! Happy MI January!

High and Lows.

2012-01-05T23:41:00.001-05:00

Amazing things from the past month:

Felt like myself again, like I had previously posted, and therefore started slowly working some much needed things back into my life. That pretty much explains the silence on this little bloggity blog.
All three of my babies received tubes in their ears on Dec 27. Life was different the very next day; better... less crying and complaining. Hadn't even realized how much of it was going on because it happened gradually and was pretty much constant.
Started back up my "cleaning notebook." haha I'm suuuuch a dork. Each day has a specific room/chore for the day... with a list that gets down to toothpicks and old toothbrushes in order of priority. I get as far as I can and whatever doesn't happen... I DON'T WORRY ABOUT until the next week. 4 days of chores... 3 days off (well, as "off" as a mom of 3 kids 3&under can be). We are up for spontaneous guests once again.
The Jesse Tree. Absolutely LOVED doing it. We did it in its entirety; Dec 1-Christmas day. A few days we had to do some makeups, but it was all god. I can't believe how much Acey picked up from it. She's got an amazing brain. Will most certainly be doing it next year.
Got sidetracked from my last list and started making mittens. They fit... until I put the ribbing stitch on the bottoms. :) ha. I have to pull that out and redo the bottoms. At least I separated my skein into two separate balls and have been crocheting the two mittens at the same time to get them to match. The end is in sight.
Cassie gifted me her old Mac laptop. Whaaaaa?!?! She did. Cause I'm awesome. Oh wait, cause she's awesome. She bought a new one and passed this one off. I feel like I won the lottery.
Car starter campaign? Complete. He totally tricked me. We opened presents and he got me a screen printing kit that I'd been drooling over. We finished opening gifts. Nap time happened. Ry took a nap since he had to work that evening. Everybody woke so we could get to my sisters for the 2nd Annual Christmas Prime Rib Dinner. (twist my arm...) He offered to go out and start the car... but he didn't go out. He just started it from the kitchen. And I almost slugged him. I did hit him... but I held back a little. First reaction because he totally tricked me.

So many, many good things happening around here. I put a facebook status that said something like, "I've got JOY" ... (blah blah blah somethings else). That night we had friends over for New Years Eve. After they left I checked my email and saw an email from someone that I would rather pretend doesn't exist. No hate--just stomach churning repulsion, a desire to feel nothing, and also a desire to feel genuine concern for this person. I feel like my legs were pulled right out from underneath me. Feeling the "everything is perfect" feeling... and then suddenly that? It felt like it was a lot further of a fall. I know who my God is. I know where I want to end up with all of this. I know that God is sovereign. I just feel like I'm struggling through this latest thing; not struggling to know what is truth... but rather struggling to CHOOSE truth at all moments. What did the email say? Nothing of significance--just a mass email to everyone in the address book updating them on a new email contact. I know that, but just seeing the name in the "from" section has thrown me off for the last five days. Do I want to let this ruin me? No. Is it? It's giving it a hellava try. It won't. My God is stronger than this. I am still human. I am still flawed. My brain is hanging on rather tight to some rather destructive thoughts. I need to remember that it's not my fight but God's... and God always wins. And by "I need to remember" I really mean I need to stop trying to actively control this situation on my own. Pray.

To-Do. Two-Dos.

2011-12-08T08:01:00.000-05:00

What's a to-do list without a few crossed off for momentum?

Asher's baby blanket--done.
Christmas presents--done.
Alissa's painting--done!!!
Front of house landscaping--done.
Side of house landscaping--postponed 'till spring.
Jesse Tree

Now for the to-dos.

Get Christmas gifts MAILED already.
Keep learning guitar.
Finish Advent stockings by adding bells/ribbon, painting the plaque. Pictures when I'm done.
Apron.
Crockhet headbands & mittens for girls and I.
Hairbows.
Learn Patternmaking by getting basic shirt pattern down.
Felt & Wood "Money" for girls.
Start another painting.
Learn to "draw" with sewing Machine.
Bedspreads for girls.

There I Am.

2011-11-28T11:03:00.000-05:00

My baby is going to be 9 months old in just a few days. They say that it takes about 9 months to feel normal again after having a baby; whoever "they" are. He is officially done breastfeeding. I forced him to keep it up the last month and a half and after thinking about the advice my best friend's sister-in-law gave her (if he wants to stop, he gave up, not me) I have given in. He can use up a freezer supply of breastmilk for the next month and then we'll switch him to cow milk at 10 months. I miss it mostly in the mornings when it was really nice to pull him into our warm bed and snuggle with him. The rest of the time I'm fine with it. I'm back down to my pre-Aayla-pregnancy weight. We're getting out of the hard baby stuff with Asher and looking ahead to the toddlerish stages. I am beginning to have energy. Which is a huge deal because it's been a long freakin' time. I am actually starting to wish I hadn't given our treadmill away because it might be nice to start walking on it this winter. I have brought art back into my life with a little nudge from my sister. I have brought in a new challenge of guitar--which really translates into a challenge and a creative outlet--with a little nudge from my best friend. Ryan and I are in a good place again. I have no idea why it is, but...

I FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN. I feel content with where God has me. I feel confident. I feel secure. I feel happy in my skin and in my life.

I like it.

Getting Out... money...ears...

2011-11-21T22:25:00.001-05:00

I went away this past weekend; as my previous post warned you. I cannot believe how I feel. Patience, kindness, goodness, self-control comes so much easier with sleep and a fresh brain. I really need to get out more; seriously. We did it somewhat cheaply since I paid about $25 for my portion of the hotel, $13 for my portion of gas... and then meals out. I spent the first night at my friends house just to get an extended break since my 3 friends and I were only planning one night in a hotel near a shoppy/touristy town about 2 hours away so that made the weekend time away vs money spent ratio even better.

The cheap bone in my body says I should have probably spent the time free somewhere and then used the $150 for the remote starter instead since that probably isn't going to happen. Remember how I said Ry's truck needed fixing? Turns out it wasn't something he could do... and so I sadly have surrendered that dream. I wasn't too happy about surrendering that dream tonight though--I had to bundle everybody up at bedtime to get them in the cold van in order to get to the pharmacy so Moo could get through the night. Darn those Enlow kid ears.

On a really positive note; I noticed my new Dr Mom otoscope came today as I was pulling out of the driveway. I used it once we got home to check out Ace & Asher's ears. (Moo's are pretty much entirely full of gross junk so I thought it best not to touch them) It. is. amazing. Asher's infection looks like its either gone or basically gone. Ace's is really red but not bulging, and she's not complaining about pain so I think she's done-ish with her's too.

On a not positive note; Moo has been "asleep" for about 2 hours. And now she is crying again becasue her ears are hurting her so bad. It is her 4th time up. It is going to be a looooooong night I'm afraid.

peace ya'll.

Weirdy Weird.

2011-11-17T22:44:00.000-05:00

I think I talk about how lonely I am a lot. Because I'm lonely a lot. I have this feeling right now and it's overwhelming; and its somehow the opposite of lonely. Maybe not opposite, but at least the positive side of lonely? Some mixture of contentment and something.

Maybe its because Ryan has been day shifting it for the past two weeks. Maybe its because I spent the first two days of his hunting season (and subsequent goneness) spending the night at my mom/dad's because since Ry was home each night we didn't make it to my mom's for two whole weeks (what?!) and my kids missed the grandparents. I'll admit it, I missed them too. Last night was his first night back to night shift, but I spent a third of the day at my parents, a third of it driving for Ryan since the truck was broken, and a third of it fighting the kids. Tonight is my first night alone in a long, long time it seems. Let it go in the record books; one perk of being a night shift widow is that you have alone time. It's a blessing and a curse because sometimes its nice to have that alone time... and sometimes it is just so isolating. Or maybe I feel not-lonely because I get to go away with some friends for the weekend. Maybe its just a case of my utils being high, right Boj?

Tonight, it is not burdensome. For whatever reason, I am enjoying myself. And that is weird.

So far I have put the kids to bed with some very rough guitar playing since I'm just starting and can "play" (used very loosely, mind you) about four songs. I have eaten too many chips. I have sat looking around at the laundry that I still need to put away, taunting it because it's going to sit for one more night. I am making plans to finish taking my measurements and get a little further in the book Design-it-Yourself Clothes: Patternmaking Simplified. And... drink a cherry coke.

It's okay because the house is picked up, acceptably clean thanks to lower standards, and every last blasted bit of laundry is washed and dried. Oh, and the kids are alive but sleeping. IT HAS BEEN A SUCCESSFUL DAY. Except I did completely forget that today was Thursday and Ace needed to go to preschool. Oops. Ha. At least I didn't realize it until after I put her to bed tonight.

And when I can't take how cold the house is any longer... I will go to bed. It's already quarter to 11, so I better get moving or I'm going to run out of time to sit and relax. Just kidding.

Focus.

2011-11-15T23:59:00.001-05:00

Proverbs 15 that are hitting me right now:

vs 1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
vs 4 A soothing (or a healing/wholesome/gentle) tongue is a tree of life, But perversion (deceitfulness) in it crushes the spirit.
vs 7 (NLT) The lips of the wise give good advice; the heart of a fool has none to give.
vs 18 (NIV) A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
vs 28 The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.

These are the things that I will meditate on tomorrow as I attempt to parent my kids again tomorrow. He gives daily grace, thankfully. I want my words to be thoughtfully prepared in order to be a tree of life to my kids; giving good advice in a way that turns away wrath and calms quarrels. A tree of life...

In other news.

I have been trying so hard to reign in my tendency to start projects that I don't have time to finish.

Baby blanket was finished a few months ago.
The plantings are done in the landscape including the front rock wall. The SIDE rock wall needs more rocks but its too late to get more right now. Spring for sure. I also need to finish the picket fence in the spring.
The painting for my sister is still in need of a large block of time.
I finished the Christmas present project (with ideas for MORE... oh boy).
The apron material still sits. waiting and wanting to be shaped into a cute little apron.

I neeeeeeed to not add to that list until it shrinks by...100%.

To Hunt or Not to Hunt

2011-11-14T15:39:00.001-05:00

This fall has been weird--a good weird, but still weird.

In the past Ryan and I have sat down for some negotiations revolving around hunting; how much, what days, expectations, etc. We'd settle on a set number of days and what days were off limits (Sundays, Moo's Bday, other big days). Tension would be high but after it was all hashed out we were both on the same page and it was one day of fighting instead of fighting everyday because he thought he should go and I thought he should not. This gigantic push/pull which left me feeling selfish and controlling on one hand but yet justified and "right" because he is needed around here.

It started when my friend offered me and a couple other girls a chance to take a charter bus to Chicago for a shopping trip and get a hotel on the Michigan Mile for $20 total... minus the actual shopping, of course. It was through her work but the catch was it was the first weekend of deer firearms season. I thought Ry would never say ok because he'd have to hang with the kiddos. Instead... he said it would be FINE.

WHAT!?!?!

This year we never got around to having that conversation, which I kept telling myself I was going to regret. He went up for an overnight in early fall with my brother-in-law and they duck hunted on the way in to scout out some deer sign for their 3rd annual brother hunting trip. I didn't consider it hunting but rather scouting. Then, he started talking about rifle season. I kept expecting him to go out bow hunting but instead I heard him mention to a friend that he was selling his bow.

WHAT!?!?

I asked him about it and he said he didn't want it to be a big deal but there isn't time to do it all and since he preferred gun season and duck hunting he'd rather have the money (although its not going to be a lot) from the bow. He said he'd also like to not have it here because if its here than he feels like he has to get out and that's not where our family is right now.

WHAT!?!?!

He is going two nights at his friend's cabin with a bunch of work friends on opening day of firearms seasons. (yes, I know I've just called it by three different names). He was also planning on the bro hunting weekend. AND THAT WAS ALL HE WAS PLANNING.

WHAT?!?!

Has hell frozen over? I told him over and over again that I appreciated how he was handling it this year. I told him flat out, "this is how hunting season is supposed to feel. THANK YOU." He is completely confused and I'm so glad.

So what is the difference? Not that I would exactly say that he was just selfish every other year, but compared to those years this year he is being so completely unselfish. He is first considering what our family needs and then considering where the wants/desires fit into that. As he should. He is loving me with his actions. He is loving his babies with his actions. Which in turn makes me feel like I don't have to dig my heels in and demand he fit us in his schedule. Also, rifle season is just two weeks long. Cutting out bow cuts "hunting season" down from Oct 1-January 1... to just two weeks--Nov 15-30. I told him I didn't mind if he took more time for hunting during the two weeks of hunting season because its just two weeks. Sadly, he could only add two more days in, but still. Its a lot easier to handle him being gone when he doesn't act entitled to it. I like that he is confused by my reaction this year because it means he's not doing it to trick me into "giving" him more days hunting. He's doing it because he is seeking God first; he is seeking to love his family more than himself.

I feel like I can gift him support and I can truly be happy that he is hunting. This is what it is supposed to feel like. I feel loved. I feel cherished. I feel appreciated. What I don't feel is that I have to be his mother telling him what he is and is not allowed to be doing. I have never wanted that spot; I have 3 little bodies I can take my mother-hen instincts out on. I also don't feel like I have to keep score about who got to do what. What a blessing. What peace the past year has brought to our house.

Chicago isn't happening anymore because the friend with the hookup was laid off from that job... but we're still going out for the weekend. You know what? I wondered if he'd ask me to reschedule for after hunting season... it never even crossed his mind.

I love that man. I'm so thankful to have him. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm so glad that we are partners in this.

Learning to love one another isn't hard. Learning to love each other and live with one another unselfishly is the challenge. Praise the Lord that we have HIM guiding us, correcting us when we stray, and offering us grace a long the way.

The Difference Between Boys and Girls

2011-11-12T10:39:00.000-05:00

Since birthing our experiment boy child I've been finding these small differences between boys and girls. There are the obvious ones like anatomy... and options for cute clothes in stores. Today I have realized another; when the girls used to bite while they were nursing I would try to make a really loud sound followed by a really stern, "NO. NO." The girls would burst into tears. That was the start of their sensitive little personalities.

Asher laughs. Every time.

Change Begets Change

2011-11-11T19:46:00.001-05:00

When you adopt a lifestyle like [reducing consumption], you can't help but start to see other things in your life that you can... do differently.--Tina Sparkles Little Green Dresses

Community

2011-11-10T11:22:00.000-05:00

I really wish I lived right next door, in the country, to my best friend. I'd settle for even a regular friend that I can trust and who has the same values. I want to be able to work as a team with another young mom, sharing responsibilities for the kids that run around in a pack all while the men-folk are at work. I want to strategize with her and trick the kids into playing/having fun/not being needy because they are so distracted so that I can get stuff done without feeling guilty for not paying attention to my kids.

In short, I'd like to live on a commune... even if we get mistaken for a hippie cult.

Because in the End... He Will Agree. And I Will Laugh Menacingly.

2011-11-08T13:41:00.000-05:00

Just a little update since I used this little journaly-thing as an outlet for my anxiety (and despite deleting the post, google reader still picked up the post): my health checks out. lumps in abdomen were first and foremost my aorta, then the smaller bumps are just IBS leftover from the campylobacter (food poisoning from drinking spoiled milk after our fridge went out) infection. Hallelujah.

Anyway, on to way more important stuff...

The weather is turning colder. I've had to get kids in the car in the "early" morning about 6 times now when there was very minor frost on the windshield. This gives me hives. The garage doors still aren't fixed and while I'm not going to complain about it, I am going to assume that my van is going to find a home outside this winter. I can't scrap my car off, warm it up for at least ten minutes, AND get 4 kids 3-years-old and under out the door in a decent time-frame. It just isn't going to happen no matter how great my intentions. I am also not planning to get them out of the car every single, blasted morning of preschool TWICE to drop Ace off and pick her up (which takes less than 5 minutes... but at least 10 to get the stroller/kids/paraphernalia packed up). I want to leave them in the car, but I don't want them to freeze.

So begins my campaign for a remote car starter. Watch yourself; I'm on a mission.

We are very conservative with money and incredibly frugal, so this will be considered a very big purchase. I'm going to figure out just where the line is between a strategic campaign and manipulation, then I'm going to hang out right about there. juuuuust half-kidding. Sadly. I always get like this; preparing to market and sell something to Ryan...and its so anticlimactic when he agrees right off the bat. He's a wildcard, that guy.

Speaking Truth

2011-10-29T10:47:00.000-04:00

Moo cries.

"Moo, are you crying because you don't want t obey?" Moo nods.

"Moo, God says we are to 'Serve the Lord with gladness.' You aren't allowed to cry because you have to obey. When you obey your mommy and daddy, you are serving the Lord. And so you need to obey with a happy heart."

hmmm ouch. How come it's easier to speak truth to my children than it is to turn it around and speak truth to myself? I'm glad I still can, but it's just so much easier to do what I want, when I want, how I want... and justify it how I can. Truth is truth. Right is right. The word of the Lord is pure.

There goes my clothing budget... again.

2011-10-22T13:34:00.000-04:00

Hear ye, hear ye. I'm going to talk about my boobs. Stop reading if you'd like.

With Asher eating solid food and depending less on the calories from breastmilk... my boobs are shrinking. My days with ginormous boobs are coming to an end. I cannot wait. Ryan is sad, but I! Am! ECSTATIC! I do believe I need to buy a new bra... but I'm going to wait just a little bit longer because I know they are just going to get that much smaller once he completely weans. I am so excited.

The end.

Choosing Truth

2011-10-20T23:27:00.000-04:00

Ryan is gone. My heart is heavy. My head is busy. The house is quiet. I can listen to God or I can busy myself with worry.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your sight, Oh Lord; my rock and my redeemer. Psalms 19:14.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!....The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true...if there is any excellence and anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Phil 4:4-8

Think rightly. Speak rightly. Don't freak out. God is near. Don't be anxious about the unknown. Pray. Be thankful while you pray. Ask God for what you want while you are being thankful. God will give you peace. That peace will guard your heart and your head. If its true and worthy of praise, that is what you are allowed to think about.

Listen for that small voice of guidance; speaking not in a storm but in the silence. Listen to the Holy Spirit speaking through friends and remembrances of scripture. The Lord is my steady ground. The Lord has redeemed me for His glory.

Breathe out. Let go of the worry and the anxiety. It is what it is, and I will abide in Christ.

Rambling as I wander through this Mom Thing

2011-10-11T00:09:00.000-04:00

When I look ahead to my future and think about all the things I could possibly do to screw up my kids the one that chills me to the bone is thinking about having the type of relationship with my kids where we can't talk and we don't get along. I think I could forgive and my kids would forgive me for making them dress like losers, not doing their hair just so, not paying attention to them which results in a broken bone here or there... those kinds of things make for funny after-the-fact stories. Being the person in my adult-child's life that really gets under their skin, always thinking I know what's best for them, always being the one most critical of them, blah, blah, blah.... that. scares. me.

And what makes me think that if I am like that now, suddenly when she is five we will both agree to start fresh in our relationship and there will be mutual respect? What about being like that and suddenly getting a do-over when she is 16? 18? How about 20? How about when she gets married? Has a baby? Nope. I don't want to be that mom. I'm not going to not-be-that-mom at the expense of swinging the pendulum to the opposite extreme, but I don't want to be that mom.

Last summer, it was easy for me to say that my relationship to Christ was not dependent on my circumstances; that someone else's sin was going to force me into sin myself. I'm not going to make light of the situation, but it's almost like that answer was so obvious because the trial was so HARD. But this everyday stuff just seems so much more... tricky. Today I had a few revelations as I chewed on everything that was talked about at church.

If Joy is a result of obedience and you can't have joy without obedience (because obedience allows us to abide with Christ, abiding with Christ or walking in the Spirit, and the FRUIT of the Spirit is all the usual suspects; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control...) the same can be said of patience, gentleness--two things I have been lacking lately, mostly with the 3-year-old.

I have not been enjoying Aayla lately. I love her to death. I like her immensely. She has just been so hard to be around. These don't define her, but it seems like lately they have become a norm: She is argumentative. She is so emotional. She is so ridiculously detailed. She does it all on her very own, specific terms. She tells you each bullet point of those terms as S L O W L Y as she can, with hand gestures emphasizing her passion... despite the fact that the house is burning down around her and she just needs to get out already. Oh wait. I just crossed over into how I feel about the situation. Try that again. She is three. She has been driving me nuts. Conversations go like this;

Ace: "Mom, let me tell you this--"
Me: "Ace, go put your shoes on."
Ace: "But Mom, let me tell you this. See, first I wanted a glass of water--"
Me: "Ace, get a glass of water after you get your shoes on."
Ace: "But Mom, I already GOT the water, LET ME TELL YOU--"
Me: "Acey, your brother is screaming, your sister took her pants off AGAIN. Please just get your dang shoes on and we'll talk about your glass of water in a second."
Ace: "MOM. I'm TELLING YOU--"
Me: "ACE. GET. YOUR. SHOES. ON. Your sister just took a permanent marker to my wall and your brother is eating choking hazards. I can't watch you put your shoes on, so OBEY. PUT THEM ON.
Ace: "MOM. FIRST I WANTED A GLASS OF WATER. THEN I PULLED THE CHAIR--"
Me: "Acey. I love you. I don't care about the chair. I care that you aren't listening to me. GET YOUR SHOES ON."
Ace: "I THREW THEM AWAY BECAUSE I GOT THEM WET BECAUSE I DUMPED GATORADE ON THEM. BECAUSE I POURED GATORADE. BECAUSE THE WATER WAS EMPTY. BECAUSE YOU DIDN"T FILL IT. BECAUSE YOU WOULDN"T GET ME WATER. BECAUSE I WAS THIRSTY."
Me: "So You are saying you made a big mess?"
Ace: "MOOOOOOOOM."

I am not proud of it. I know the mom that I'd like to be; and that is not the mom that I am. There is just so much that has to happen in a day... and I just deleted a whole two paragraphs defending myself against your thoughts that I should just do less in a day to take the pressure off. Go ahead and shut your mouth. Things would stop functioning around here. Today I have; fed kids, clothed kids, laundry, budget, picked up, dishes, folded some clothes, dr appt, lunched the kids, gotten everyone down for a nap, called the insurance company, got ace off to dance, made dinner, made the kids eat the dinner, ran errands, put kids to bed, put away groceries, prepped dinner for tomorrow. There is a load in the wash that has been sitting there for two days. My house is trashed but I'm too pooped and am now blogging. Things fall apart when I slow down. Thats the season of life. And people not in this season forget what it is like. It is busy. I have to find a way to deal with it. I can deal with it, I just want to deal with it better.

Sorry. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. So today I told myself that I was going to stop trying to be the mom that I want to be. Instead, I was just going to be obedient to what I know God expects in speech, action, and thought. Ya know what? It was easy to be kind to Aayla. It was easy to listen to her. It was easy to enjoy her. It was easy nurture her today. And? I still got a million things done. They still covered themselves in black pen & green marker in an attempt to camouflage themselves. Asher still pooped through his clothes. Ameira still wet her pants while we were out and about, highlighting the fact that I'm an idiot and didn't have backup clothes. Aayla got more time-outs today but they were timely and calmly given for not listening. Chaos still happened. Chores still happened. However, I had joy. Aayla had joy.

I want to listen to her as a 3-year-old in order to train myself to listen to her as she grows. I don't want to miss out on knowing her and learning from her because I am so focused on what needs to happen. She's a pretty cool kid that has really important and worthwhile stuff to say, even as a 3-year-old. Especially as a three-year-old. There was one time today that I almost lost it when I wanted to get out the door and she said, "Mom..." My head told me she was going to rabbit-trail down some long and winding nonsense. Instead, I let her finish. "Mom... I just wanted to say that I really do love you." Had I cut her off at "Mom..." I would have lost that moment.

Parents, don't provoke your children unto wrath.
Be kind to everyone...

I Need to Lasso Me Some Prudence.

2011-09-03T22:29:00.000-04:00

If the dirt roads hadn't been so brown, the sky hadn't been so blue, the clouds not so white, the creek not so beautiful, the grass not so green and waving in the breeze... maybe I wouldn't have accidentally left part of my heart on that little country road. Near the for sale sign. In front of the 20 acres or so that are for sale. In our price range.

I shouldn't have awoken my love before the time was right. Before the banks say, "go forth."

Sigh...

Don't Underestimate the Necessity of Wearing Pants

2011-09-03T10:39:00.000-04:00

After not being able to sleep last night because my stomach was being thrashed around by butterflies, I read an email from Ryan; "HI honey. You were looking at the wrong property. You were looking at a fruitport property. :( oh well. we'll keep looking!" Better luck next time. At least this served as a good warning that Ryan will mean business at any given moment if the property looks like it meets our criteria. Consider me warned.

Today is going to be filled with measuring, shopping, price shopping. My mom had the girls last night and today, just for fun. I'm taking advantage of it and will use it wisely (Asher is not ready to leave, hence my stealing a moment to blog). Rachel has helped me brainstorm up a beautiful landscape plan for the front of the house. Think picket fence, knock-out roses, and winter interest. My first attempt at landscaping was alright, but I've learned a lot since then and it just looks novice. Novice won't tell a buyer, "YOU NEED THIS PERFECT LITTLE HOUSE." I'm a big fan of cheap, so you can bet we will be doing this as we have the money.

Steps:
1. Measure, pick out, purchase fencing.
2. Pull out the railroad ties and put them on the curb with a sign that says FREEEEEEEEEEEE. (they will be gone in no time, seriously).
3. Go get free fieldstones from a distant relative/fellow church member who says she has more than we would ever need.
4. Rebuild the wall with rock.
5. Fill it in with MORE dirt/weed cloth/mulch.
6. find the right plants on sale...
7. PLANT.
8. Step back and talk about how pretty it is, and how it really wasn't THAT much work. It's never too early to start editing Ryan's memories.

I also need to get some supplies to tape off the house so Ryan can paint on Monday and Tuesday. HALLELUJAH. He has the house scraped and is almost finished priming. We changed plans for how much of the house we would do. We had all the paint purchased since it was on sale. He decided he doesn't want to do "just a little" each year. It sucks and he wants it over. He also said that he has a few large chunks of time to do it, rather than just a couple hours after work each night like most people. So, that's that. He grabbed my dad's huge light and has been doing it from about 12am-5am while everyone is sleeping. We found a friend that has a commercial paint sprayer we can borrow and use for FREE. (Look how blessed and resourceful we are) Ryan and I agreed he is going to try and take a weekend off to finish the outdoor projects. I feel bad, however winter is coming. I am trying to help where I can, but somethings gotta give. I've realized it is a huge help to Ry for me to plan out what needs to happen; thinking through each step and keeping a ballpark price tally and shopping for supplies before he needs them. Shopping is a big deal since his blocks of time are after store hours. That might be all I can do to partner with him through projects outside of my skill set. Its just this season of life; too soon I won't have kids to keep me from "things that need to get done. ugh."

Asher is awake, changed, fed, and attempted to pull up on the coffee table. He did it once and fell over, bonking his head; thus signaling exercise time is done. And OFF. WE. GO.

I should probably put some pants on first. Pants say, "I mean business, you dumb-task list." Going in just your underwear is plain ol' inappropriate. Write that down, folks. That's a freebie.

Stepping Forward Instead of Just Talking About It

2011-09-02T23:17:00.000-04:00

We bought four cute, fluffy, yellow, peeping chicks. Acey was so incredibly excited about it and kept telling us what she was going to name "her's"...but then she'd change her mind and pick a different name. Ryan told her right up front that he wasn't going to name his because he didn't want to name a chicken that he was GOING TO EAT.

That's right. We have four chicks that will turn into chickens. Meat chickens. Chicks that we will eat. Chicks that I will stare at my daughters' faces, look them in the eye, and tell them I am about to help their daddy kill. Its one thing to say you want your kid to understand completely where her food comes from and that meat doesn't come from a grocery store. Its a whole new ballgame having her bond with the chickens from their sweet fluffy, yellow chick days. My heart is already uneasy about it.

No she will not witness it.

I don't really know if its cheaper to raise your own chickens. It probably is not. However, I will know that my chickens were raised and killed humanely. I will be even more purposeful about how I use that meat and those bones.

And... Ryan called me. Just. He just found a piece of property. 25 acres. In our price range. The house is really small, and we'd have to intend on knocking it down and rebuilding our dream home. Its really close to the town he works in. It is really close to the highway, so heading back to my family wouldn't be as bad as it could be. Then he says, "I really think we should look into it." I said, "Like 'call a bank' look into it?" "yes." We'll see what comes of this but I may not be able to sleep. Even if we have to squish into a 2 bedroom, run-down, ugly farmhouse... I will do it. Especially if it brings us closer to our dream.

That is what I love about Ryan. He is right along side of me trying to LIVE our dream, rather than just talking about it. Love. love. Love. Maybe my kids WILL have a woods to run and grow up in. :) BUT. Lets not get ahead of ourselves. One foot in front of the other.

Buck Up.

2011-08-22T10:45:00.000-04:00

I think the list of "series of unfortunate events" while we were camping was longer than I realized.

I ate a very tiny rock in our dinner over the fire. I bit down on it and it hurt, and I expected my tooth to fall out (because when it comes to my mouth I expect worst case scenario). Nothing happened, so I carried on. It has been tender ever since. Once we got home... a piece of something fell off my tooth. I think it was a tiny little part of the old filling. So I assume that biting that rock cracked my tooth. I have been telling myself ever since that it is no big deal. I finally took a good look by sticking a mirror in my mouth... and my tooth for sure is missing part of its whole. I think another dentist trip is in order. I can't help but wonder what would happen if I don't go. If there is any way around it. It's painful, but it's not incredibly painful. Ugh.

I wish going to the dentist was just like anyone else going to the dentist--and I totally understand that it could be like anyone else going to the dentist. I wish I wasn't so freaked out. I really do try. I put on a good poker face. If I have actually scheduled the appointment, I try really hard to actually go to the appointment. I walk the couple blocks to the office outwardly cool, calm and collected. I tell myself to quit being a idiot. I tell myself to buck up. I tell myself to knock it off. I tell myself to quit being so ridiculous. Once, I walked completely past the office and straight on to the library so Ry would still think I made it. What is wrong with me? If I make it in the door, I can be outwardly calm. I think they think I'm a moron... I think I'm a moron. He makes jokes about how everybody hates the dentist. I laugh and say it is not that bad. It is humiliating.

Ode to Aayla

2011-08-15T23:19:00.000-04:00

Sunday was hectic. Ryan played guitar so he left before it was time to get any of the kids up. So again, I was on my own. I had packed most everything the night before and Ryan had ironed all of our dresses (not his, of course, but I'm sure you assumed as much). We were late. We were rushed. I dressed Ace completely and told her to hang out by the back door and not toGetMessyOrYou'llBeInSoMuchTroubleDoYouHearMeAreYouListeningSayOKDon'tWrinkleYourDressStopHittingYourSister... Sigh. Got Ameira dressed and told her the rules. Got Asher dressed. Turned around found Ameira naked. NAKED. No lie. Even the bow was taken out of her darn choppy but still cute hair. Redressed Ameira. Turned around and found Asher had barfed and therefore soaked his clothes from collar to ankle. No lie. Redressed Asher. Got everybody in the car and locked in--I mean, strapped in. Went inside to grab my bag, and yes, I may have taken a few extra minutes to find my keys AGAIN. As I was walking out the door and locking it, I heard a little voice in the bathroom saying, "Whiskers, don't bite me." Aayla had at some point sneaked back in the house to use the bathroom. I was just frazzled enough to have not noticed she wasn't in her booster seat where I had left her. Good thing Whiskers bit her otherwise she'd have been traumatized by being left alone. Got out to the car and realized Asher had soaked his backup outfit. Darn kid. Changed him. Was late for church. Dropped everybody off in their correct classroom but as I sat Asher down I realized he had soaked through the backup outfit's backup. He was stuck with a stupid t-shirt and his diaper for church. Go ahead, I dare you to judge me.

So there is the backdrop to what I am about to tell you.

Sometimes I just don't appreciate how amazing Aayla really is. When someone tells me that it is shocking that Aayla thinks through things (and tells you exactly what and how she is thinking and the exact next 5 steps she is going to take) the way she does it feels like someone just told me they are shocked the sky is blue and the grass is green. While we were in the car and finally on our way, even if we were late, I let out a big sigh. Acey says, "Mom? Are you doing alright?" Me, BIG sigh, "Yea, sweetie, I'm just really having a hard time." Ace, "I can see you are frustrated. I wish I could help you. I probably should'a been a little kinder to you. I probably should have asked you if I could'a helped you get some stuff together. Next time I will, okay? Next time I'll think about you." pause. "Can you turn on our music?" I reply, "Honey, I just really want to calm down, take a breath and refocus on God. I need to get my head straight before we get to church." Acey, "hmmm, yea. God's pretty great huh. I sure do love that guy."

Seriously. She is not even 3 and a half. She is at the beginning half of three. Sometimes she drives me bonkers, but she is so much like a peer sometimes it's creepy.

I was talking to two other moms of 3-year-olds (and I sat in the ladies' lounge feeding Asher) about the whole "crying-when-dropped-off-to-class" phenomenon and I started laughing. I had just dropped Acey off and she didn't cry! I told them how Acey went to VBS (Vacation Bible School) for 2 nights and cried horrendously each time. I drove her the 3rd night and had a loooong talk with her on the drive over. I finally got out of her that she cries, "because people are nice to me when they see I'm sad." I told her people would still be nice to her. "No, mom. They won't." I told her to just give it a chance; that just for that night she wouldn't cry and she could treat it as an experiment to see if people would still be nice. Sure enough, I picked her up from class that night and she was jumping! up! and! down! excited! saying, "Mom! I didn't even START to cry and everyone was nice! to! me!" Shocker. Their response was to look at each other a little surprised and tell me, "Wow, that's not really normal." I wasn't telling them because I wanted them to realize she was amazing, I just told them because I thought it was funny and so completely my daughter in a nut shell. I expected a chuckle out of them, it gave me a pause to hear a comment regarding how not 3-ish that was. ::shrug:: She is so unique. She has one heck of a brain.

We also got into a discussion about God, salvation, and heaven. She discussed a little with Ry after VBS a few weeks ago. She's been telling me that Daddy is going to Heaven because he believes that God is God and Jesus is dead but then alive because we are forgiven. So I took the opportunity and told her that I knew I was going to Heaven because I believed that Jesus was Gods Son and he was wholly God. That even though I am a sinner that deserved less than nothing (understatement, huh?), Jesus still chose to take my punishment for my sins and die a horrible death on the cross. And I believe that even though he died on the cross that he came alive again and because of that I can be forgiven. Because Christ took my punishment, I am forgiven. Because I believe that, I know that I am forgiven and I can live my life to please God. Because I believe that, I know that when I die I will be with Jesus in Heaven. She looked up at me and said, "Cool. I'll be there too. I believe all that too. I wonder if Meirsey believes it."

It makes my head swirl to know how to approach this whole subject. I most certainly don't want to avoid it, but it gives me hives just thinking about how to do it right. What's too much, what is not enough. blah blah blah. If I didn't care about whether she ever came to accept the Lord as her Personal Lord and Savior than I think I'd probably just go for it. However, this is so incredibly, incredibly important. I grew up in a church that was really big on Saving People and Asking Jesus Into Your Hearts. I'm pretty sure I got saved like eight times and I picked a strawberry blow-pop sucker each time, BOOYAH. I know that was just how people said it during that "era" (can it be considered an era?) and their motives were right. I also know that our kids will look down their noses as they tell us what we did that totally screwed them up... but I don't want to go down that road with her. She is a pleaser and therefore will probably get saved very enthusiastically over and over again too. I would rather tell her the gospel over and over again until someday she begs us to tell her how to be saved. I would rather have her see it in our lives--seeing us live out the gospel with our mundane life. I don't know. I think its time I beef up the "how to lead your children to Christ" section of our parenting resources. Did you know I like to know beforehand how to do things the right way. I'm kind of a perfectionist that way. But in the end, I have to realize that the Holy Spirit is the Holy Spirit. I can present the scripture and the Holy Spirit will lead her as He sees fit. I need to be faithful to speak when I need to speak, act when I need to act... and know she should be getting the "you need to be saved" conversation from my actions--not just my words. My job is to keep laying those foundation blocks one at a time.

That girl has one amazing little brain. I really do stand in awe.

Quiet House Doesn't Exactly Mean a Quiet Head

2011-08-13T13:58:00.000-04:00

My house is quiet. It's raining outside. There are people everywhere outside because of the festival going on in our town, but the rain seems to have at least quieted them down.

I'm working on Asher's baby blanket. My friend Julie said I ultra-organize projects... she is ultra-correct. I can't direct my focus on one thing long enough unless I have mini tasks to check off the list. There are 189 rows in the blanket. I am on 110. Each row takes me 12 minutes according to my stopwatch. I have invested about 23 hours into this blanket. I have roughly 15ish hours left. I used to think I hated math. Weird huh?

Then I finish Alissa's wall painting. Can't wait to get into that one. Painting makes me feel like I've disappeared. I can't work on that one until I have a large block of time to work on it. The last time I painted I started when the kids went to bed... and didn't stop until about 4am. Oops. ::sigh::

Then I'm excited to do a couple Christmas presents. I can't talk about them until after Christmas because I do believe the recipients read this blog.

Then I am going to make an apron out of material I've already purchased and washed. If there is leftover material I will finally make the girls matching aprons. I was going to do that last Christmas but ran out of time. They didn't notice.

Then Ryan wants me to sew a few pieces of material as makeshift cots for their camping trips. He wants to just have loops on the edges to slip big (heavy and therefore strong) sticks through to frame it out. Then they would only be carrying in the canvas or whatever material it will be. As I ultra-organize this project in my head, I have a feeling canvas will be ultra-expensive. I checked out burlap sacks from the feed mill down the street and they sell them for $2 a bag. I'm just not sure how I'd sew them... and if they'd hold up. I'd like for Ry to let me make one out of the burlap and have him test it out for just one trip. If it works, I can use it as a pattern for heavier material, etc. I have a feeling they are going to changee their minds and want improvements. I'd rather have more information before sinking a ton of time and money in it.

I also have stuff to make hair bows for the girls.

I would like to figure out how to make my own patterns from scratch to sew from. That would require I understand the basic construction of a garment and what all the little nuances a proper fit would require. I like to sew. I just get so bogged down by following someone else's pattern that it completely crushes my creativity. I'd rather know how to sew what fits and go from there.

I also figured out how to "draw" with my sewing machine. I really, really want to make the girls some bed spreads and curtains that match that awesome little folksy lampshade I found discontinued at IKEA before Ace was born. I could totally do it; given enough time.

Rachel has redesigned the front of our house and it includes a picket fence. That project is reserved for the fall though when its best to transplant etc. Won't that be awesome?

I will start and finish projects one at a time if it kills me.

Exhaustion

2011-08-11T23:53:00.000-04:00

I hate when people tell me they feel sorry for me because they got a small taste of what I "go through" after theirs husbands have put in a couple long days at work and don't come home until after their kids' bedtimes. It doesn't make it easier to not feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I daydream about what life would look like with a hubby who works a regular 9-5 job. Sometimes I day dream about having a second hubby that could fill in while Ry is at work. Now wouldn't THAT be nice. This phase of life with the kids all so young is just so exhausting. Rewarding, but oh so exhausting.

And weird. Just found a frog in the bathroom. Actually, the frog was stuck in the plastic frog toy holder in the bathtub. Funny. It would have been real nice to send in the man to take care of it. OR the backup hubby.

But at least I have a husband. At least my kids have a dad that is around. At least he isn't deployed for a year. At least he isn't a deadbeat. At least, at least, at least. I'll keep my "problems" because it could always be worse. I've actually got it pretty darn good.

I had someone (not using these words, but more insinuating) tell me that when the kids get into a bunch of crap and I talk about how they "destroyed this" or "set off a bomb" that--that it isn't a commentary of how bad the kids are but rather how I just haven't been vigilant in watching them.

First, I never said they were bad... I usually use the word, "overwhelming." Second, I had 4 kids here 3 years old and under. Asher was teething and hadn't slept more than a half hour all day compared to his 3 regular naps of about 2 hours each. Ameira was weeping and ridiculously horrible because of her molars, her wheezing, her lack of sleep the night before, and because she was so hungry despite turning down most food on account of her mouth hurting. She literally cried about 45 minutes of every hour she was awake. Aayla was a grumpy drama queen because she had horrible sleep the night before because of Ameira's coughing/screaming fits. And the fourth little love was destroying my house. A bowl of sugar was taken from the kitchen counter and toddled through the house as it spilled its granulated goodness everywhere. A plate of syrupy french toast was taken to the couch and dumped upside down. All of the books were taken off the bookshelf and scattered on the floor. (which is a pet peeve of mine) Cat food was being eaten, soaked in the water dish and then mashed, sat in (and then deposited everywhere ELSE that little bottom sat) and taken by handfuls into the living room, bathroom and kitchen. A crayon was taken to my wall. A box of sewing pins was dumped over the 5 month old. Toilet paper was unrolled and then shredded throughout the house. And all of this was before 11am.

So where was I?

Tending to the other children that were demanding attention a little more loudly. All of these things happened at different times while I was either feeding the baby, helping the baby fall asleep (remember, he wasn't really napping and incredibly cranky from the teeth), cleaning up the other messes, tending to someone getting out of timeout, OR WHILE I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. It happens.

At first I was offended. Then I realized that the person who said it hadn't really had to take care of more than one child at a time... and therefore, their opinion was utterly and completely irrelevant. Whatever dude.

Kids are a lot of work. Cute, but oh so exhausting. This pretty much sums it up: After a few nights of taking a glass of wine I was waking up with a killer headache. I've only ever had two (small) glasses at the most so it didn't make sense. Then I realized that I am dehydrated just about all the time. I realized that it is kind of on purpose. Why?

I don't always have time to go to the bathroom. It's that simple.

Proverbs

2011-08-02T13:04:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it is hard to steal moments to get into really deep Bible Studies. I've been spending moments that I do have reading a chapter of proverbs corresponding with the day. Well, the month has restarted and so has proverbs. It is amazing how different things sink in each time.

But [sinners trying to entice you] lie in wait for their own blood; they ambush their own lives. So are the ways of everyone who gains by violence; it takes away the life of its possessors.--Proverbs 1:19.

No, I don't have friends asking me to go knock up the local liquor store, or slit the throats of the rich in order to rob them blind. I do have situations that present themselves as a choice; suggestions from the media, pressure to do this or that, examples from people I love, a ho-hum "it's no big deal" attitude toward compromising my beliefs. I feel a lot of pressure to not be content with where or what my life has become. Life is one big choice to do the right thing. I may not deal with the violence part, but I deal with the being enticed by sin part.

Sin will take away the life of its possessor.

Maybe physically. Maybe not. It may just be a quality of life thing. It will for sure rob you of the peace that comes from obedience to my Lord and Savior.

I can't imagine a life without peace.

I will choose to walk in obedience and wisdom. And joy. And peace. Yea, that too.

I don't have the time to waste on hating my body.

2011-08-01T12:57:00.000-04:00

I stepped on the scale today. I am less than what I was before I had Asher. I am two pounds shy of where I was before my pregnancy with Aayla. I am within seven pounds of my wedding weight. I see my wedding weight as the skinniest I have the desire of getting but I really am happy enough where I am at.

I said this as an observation to Ryan last night as I was wiping off the chocolate and melted marshmallow from around my lips... and loading up a second marshmallow on the roasting stick for another smore.

Good enough, right?

Daddy and Daughters: Part II

2011-07-28T09:56:00.000-04:00

As I was writing that note last night, Daddy was on his way home from VBS with the girls.

Daddy and Daughters

2011-07-27T23:29:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I have to say a little prayer that goes something like this, "Dear God, thanks for giving my kids two parents. Thanks for giving them two examples of completely different perspectives on the world. Thanks for giving them two different people to balance out the crazy in the other. Please protect their little brains."

The last time the Ryan was in charge of dressing the girls Ameira walked out in a pair of pink shorts, cowboy boots, a big frilly pink bow swinging wildly but still clasped to about 4 hairs on the side of her head... and no shirt. Aayla walked out with a rats nest of a pony tail, rain boots, and ... wait for it... her Easter dress. Guess where they were going? To weed the garden. I am kicking myself for not having a picture. Their lady parts were covered: mission accomplished.

Today was a random day. I was out the door by 6:30am to get Moo to her catscan. Ry was batter-up with Ace and Ash for breakfast and morning events. By 10am I desperately needed a nap. I woke up about 2.5 hours later and busted Acey and Ryan at the computer watching YouTube. What were they watching? Grizzly bear attack videos. My mouth dropped open. His response, "What? She asked to see them."

Ryan found a mouse in the garage. It was in a plastic tub that we used as a chick brooder. The mouse seemed trapped in there because it wasn't doing a good job of climbing the plastic sides. Ryan told Ace they needed to "get it." He grabbed his BBGun. He shot the mouse. Aayla watched. He said she didn't seem bothered at all. Then she looked up at him and asked, "Do you think his daddy will miss him?"

While we were camping Acey caught three fish. She cast her very own pole, she reeled them all in by herself, she just needed some help setting the hook. I had already prepared her that fishing by definition means you kill the fish. (I think people that catch and release are just crazy. Why would cause that much pain in a fish just to release it and pat yourself on the back that you didn't kill it? It seems so silly to me.) Ryan congratulated her, told her what an awesome job she did... and then promptly cut the fish open, pulling out its guts. Acey very matter-of-factly says, "Whelp. It's dead."

What will become of my sweet little girls? Taking a step back, when you think about it, it really is all about perspective. He dressed them. He gardened with them. He watched videos with them. He "hunted" with them. He fished with them. He spent time with them.

They are lucky to have him.

Despite me ratting him out for the moments that left me in shock... I also caught him playing a tiara Fancy Nancy game with both the girls the other day. You are even required to say, "pinkies up, darling."

He did it with gusto.

One Year

2011-07-26T23:19:00.001-04:00

So many things on my mind right now. In fast-forward:

camping was great even though we have named it "The Year of the Series of Unfortunate Events." We drove home on the spare tire which only cost us $10 for a repair... and somehow broke the emergency brake... which only cost us $400. O U C H.
Didn't want to sit around just missing my friends so we are having our first "friends-dinner-that-needs-an-official-name" event this Friday. Once every other month, a few families will get together for dinner and catching up. It will be amazing. Thanking my sister-in-law for the idea. I'm using it as a lifeline.
Acey has been going to Vacation Bible School the last few days. Tonight is the first time in MONTHS that the girl hasn't cried when she is left in a class. Progress.
Asher barfed on everyone in the nursery tonight. I feel bad... but I warned them. I am seriously considering a pin or sign of some sort that he can wear to nursery that says, "I barf. A lot."
Last week Moo had her Allergist appointment. The Allergist came up with a game plan. We had an Upper GI last week to rule out Acid Reflux. Ameira did FANTASTIC. She held still the entire 15 minutes that she was literally strapped to a board. She didn't cry until the last 30 seconds. She was amazing. I did want to slap the PA who very passively told me by telling Ameira that she was too old for a pacifier and that she needs to stop using it soon. Psh, whatever dude. She's 21 months old. She's potty trained. Shut your mouth and quit judging us. Ameira is amazing with or without a pacifier.
Alissa's baby girl is so stinking adorable. First time parents are also adorable. I envy that kind of time time and attention that can be lavished on such a precious gift. They are amazing parents.

What has been really consuming my mind? It has been a year. A whole year since my life was completely turned upside down and I had to face the hardest few months I have ever faced. I can't even begin to give it words, although my brain has been giving it a lot of time. I really thought Ryan and I were done. I really did. I am thankful it happened. I say that, and I am as serious as a heart attack. And that's pretty serious. Not so much because I enjoyed going through it--because it was hell--but more so because sometimes the sweetest moments of my salvation have come when I had no other choice but to obey God. Every breath seemed to be a chore.

I think in small movie clips. I almost wish I could make some sort of abstract art installation piece to convey my head. I imagine standing in a grassy meadow, blue sky, white clouds, birds chirping.... and in one split second a loud, stormy wall of dark water--taller than I can see--just travels across the field and swallows me. The second I close my eyes everything is quiet white noise. I am dry. I am standing steady. It didn't take the wall of water away from me, but I am safe. The closing my eyes would be me trusting the Lord and trying to obey no matter what. I was not lost. I was safe. It didn't matter what was going on around me. The Lord is good. A refuge in times of trouble. I'm not sure that whoever chose that verse as a Vacation Bible School verse last year for the 2-year-olds to memorize knew what kind of footing it would give me during such a tumultuous time in my life.

I remember. We are better for it. Marriage is hard. Obedience to the Lord is hard. Both are sweet. I am in love with my Savior. I am in love with my husband. I am in love with my babies.

Part of my post from last year:

I believe that the same God that parted the red sea, turned a stick into a snake, lit a bush on fire yet didn't let it burn, gave a barren woman a child that became a nation, created dinosaurs, and walked on water because he made it also cares for me.

If He can paint a spectacular sunset and sunrise every day from the beginning to the end of time he can paint a masterpiece from my life. He can take what is broken and repurpose it into something that is needed, loved, and cherished.

Great is His faithfulness.

I am needed. I am loved. I am cherished. Great is His faithfulness.

2011-07-16T23:07:00.001-04:00

... and it was not over 200ft from water. They were nice about it. We tried real hard to be nice back. God and Aayla were watching. Ry took off in the van to find a new spot. I strapped a screaming baby to my chest and tried to get the 3-yr-old and 1-yr-old to help take it all back down or at least not run away while I did it. Acey asked me if our day was ruined now. I replied that it didn't have to be. *Convicting!* It took about 5 hours total to set up, take down, and re-setup. We then had dinner, swam, had fruit snacks and juice boxes... and sent all the kids to bed. Acey promptly fell off the top cot-bunk, but other than that... no more hoopla. Its redeemed. But only bc Acey can doggy paddle with her life jacket on and Moo and I spent some time swimming nd singing together. love.

2011-07-16T22:58:00.001-04:00

Yes, I am txting an update while we are camping. Moving on. We were supposed to leave yesterday, but my sister had her baby and i couldn't bear to leave till we saw that sweet little face. So... this was to be Asher's first camping trip and our first camping trip in a camper. Then the truck broke. Ry decided we would take dad's canvas *cabin* bc we'd already tried camping in our little tent in my parents backyard and failed. About two hours into this adventure we'd only had time to drive all over to find a spot here in Manistee National Forest on a Saturday and set up the massive cabin. We'd just finished and I was getting ready to feed my cranky kids when the rangers pulled up. We had to leave because our site (which was a well worn site) was not a numbered and therefore official site...

Beef Its What Is Not For Dinner

2011-07-13T23:06:00.000-04:00

So we bought an 1/8 of a beef side last September. We are still going through it. I feel like we gorged ourselves on a lot of the great cuts (rib steaks, roasts, etc) but after that the novelty of it wore off. We are a chicken type of family. If we really ever do raise meat chickens, we will save so much money. I love chicken meals. I love chicken broth. I think if we buy an 1/8th of a side every year (until Asher is a little bit older) we just might be okay. I may make it a goal to keep it at that amount and make us become bigger vegetable eaters. And make us happy about becoming bigger vegetable eaters. :)

I ran my "no meat for a month-ish" plan and he was all game--which I was slightly surprised about. I don't think we can actually do no meat, but we can definitely scale back... especially with all this amazing produce that is in season. We will just be eating more rice and beans to fill up the empty places in our bellies. It may be a fun challenge.

May.

Heading back into the kitchen to blanch some fresh broccoli for the freezer that we will not be getting to this week. Need to make a plan to finish off 4 zucchini, 2 yellow summer squashes, and about a pound of fresh english peas.

Read a book called Born to Run. Cassie pressured me to do it, had a copy on her kindle AND played with my kids for a few nights while she's been here... so I polished it off (and let my house and cooking go). One thing I found interesting, eat a salad for breakfast to get in more veggies and not feel too "heavy" while you get your day started. Interesting. I may try it. I'm not one of those people that need protein to survive a morning. (just give me sugar... sadly. but I will change that eventually.)

What We Do for My Little Moo

2011-07-08T22:13:00.000-04:00

So there has been a lot of angst regarding Moo and her sickness. I won't lie; it's all my very own angsty angst. She was put on steroids last Friday (day 1)... which lasted 4 days. She stopped wheezing day 4 (Monday). She began wheezing just a bit on Wednesday... and wheezing a lot yesterday (Thursday).

It makes me want to bash my head into a wall, but all I really did was cry.

I slept like crap last night because Ry had gotten up early on Thursday morning and therefore couldn't stay up all night with her. Fast forward to 2am and Ry sleeping on the couch and me sleeping with Moo in our bed... getting kicked and smacked and coughed at and screamed at every half hour or so. She goes from sound asleep to screaming a blood-curling, high-pitched scream that it scares the living daylights out of me and then just makes me pissed. Fast forward again to 8:00 am when she decided she could get up. I am almost positive I let a few cuss words fly under my breath. I don't remember for sure though, because I was half sleep-walking.

I hate the part right before you decide to take them to the doctor. It's so stressful because I don't want to waste the copay for them to tell me once again that she is a "happy wheezer" and the current course of action is all they can do... but I don't want to be a horrible mother and deny her medical treatment that she needs. Blegh. Kids make me crazy. As I walked out the door, I said in a very grumpy tone to Ry, "Excuse us while we go hand over our copay just to be told there is nothing they can do... jerks." Well, don't I feel silly now...

!!The doctor listened to me!! Jump for joy. !!The doctor agreed the current direction is not doing anything!! Jump for joy. She said to yes, give more steroids and albuteral and the current flovent inhaler BUT give benadryl at night since that is generally the only time that it seems to affect her at all. She said it will be an experiment but it won't hurt her in the process. We are going to be scheduled next week for an upper GI in order to make sure that acid reflux is not making her "reflux" up junk in her lungs causing her to wheeze. We are also going to have her tested for allergies to make sure that its not a reaction to something she eats. Hallelujah. I asked again about keeping her quarantined and the Doctor she is even more so leaning toward the opinion that Moo is not contagious even though she sounds like she is dying. !!JUMP!! !!FOR!! !!JOY!!

Here is to Moo sleeping through the night! I'm going to go curl up in bed right now and read while waiting for sleep to come.

i have visions of ace

2011-07-08T18:56:00.003-04:00

i have visions of ace takin off for preschool without me.

2011-07-08T18:56:00.001-04:00

Happy Fourth

2011-07-04T20:02:00.004-04:00

We made it out last night for fireworks as a family. We packed up, took the scenic route, and had a fourth of July very similar to what I grew up having when I was young... minus the smell of charcoal and brats. I stood guard over Asher as he tried to roll/inch worm his way all over the blanket and Ry played frisbee, ran the playground equipment, kept the girls from lighting themselves on fire with sparklers, and took the girls to pee in the woods so they wouldn't have to stand in such a ridiculously long line for the bathroom. Oh wait, don't tell anyone we did that.

They were terrible fireworks. But that was part of the fun.

Today Ry went in to work on his motorcycle (which saves us close to $10 in gas!!) and I took the girls out. We were supposed to go to my sister's for a cookout and fireworks in the driveway... but again, with my kids being so recently sick we had to steer clear of the 6 day old child. Understandably. I realized I could either stay home and feel lonely or I could get out with the girls--no matter how hard--and do something fun. Fun it was. Ry packed up the van without even being asked. (I have an amazing guy.) He put in the bike trailer and our bikes.

When people make fun of me for driving a minivan, I smile politely. Why? because in reality, jokes on you sucker... good luck fitting a circus in YOUR shoebox of a car.

We biked around all the trails and Acey was finally able to go as fast as her little legs could get that bike going. She always has to slow down because we're on foot pulling the wagon or whatever else. She almost ran me off the trail more times than I can count, but I am confident she had a ton of fun. We rode for an hour (an hour!! She is three!!) and then headed to the splash pad for an hour... and then to the beach for a half hour... and then to the playground for a half hour... and then did a short lap on the bike trail again. One the way back to the van she said, "Mom, we sure did a great job exercisin'. We shouldn't do this again for a while." haha

This contraption makes me want to barf just watching the kids spin on it.

Bonus about having a large baby? He does real swell in the bike trailer. Moo sat next to him and Ace rode her bike. We will be doing this again tomorrow because it was so stinkin much fun (to tire Ace out soooo much that she didn't jabber at me the entire way home--oh wait, that's not the ONLY reason).

Crocodile Island

2011-07-04T20:02:00.003-04:00

This is part of the reason my girls love to go to Grandma's house... which is part of the reason that I LOVE to go to Grandma's house.

I tried to post this June 28, but my phone didn't complete sending it.

It'd be Awesome

2011-07-03T14:23:00.000-04:00

I think it'd be awesome if we could go one month without making any meals containing meat. It is so much more humane to not use meat. Meat should be sustainable... blah blah blah. My fingers were crossed behind my back. I care about all that, but I care more about my bank balance. Lets just say it like it is. MEAT IS EXPENSIVE. and quality meat from a good source is WAY MORE EXPENSIVE. So would my husband keel over with hunger if we skipped meat for a month? I wonder if my body would even notice if we skipped meat? I wonder what our digestive tracts would do. I wonder if we could actually get full from eating more vegetables, beans and rice. We couldn't go REAL vegetarian because I love homemade chicken stock so much I could marry it.

So, let me paw through my cookbooks for a while and mull this over.

ps. Ameira learned to say time-out. It sounds like, "tom-owww." Guess who has gotten a bazillion timeouts in the last few days? AAYLA. ;)

pps. Ameira and Aayla have white junky, swollen tonsils. Aayla is complaining of an ear ache on her left side. Ameira has blisters and red dots all over her hands and feet. What does this mean??? QUARANTINE!!! YAY!!!! No church today.

When is This All Supposed to Happen?

2011-07-02T12:46:00.001-04:00

So this is my blog. My place to spill my struggles. I feel guilty for taking time to say all this, but it really is a struggle I need to think through... with the aide of my fingers. I'm a lot more insecure than I pretend to be.

I miss my friends. I miss Ry. I want to be brave enough to try a new church but don't feel like I have the time to sink into making new friendships. I wish Moo wasn't so medically fragile.

I'm lonely. That is one of the hardest parts to accept about this season of life.

Asher wakes at 7:30 or 8am to eat. He stays awake until right about 9 and then crashes from 9-12. Ameira goes down for her nap around 1:30 and sleeps until 3. I remember hating this when Moo & Ace had opposite napping schedules. This will pass. It just makes it hard.

Our church attendance has gotten spotty again and I take full responsibility for that. Ry takes Aayla for worship team practice every other Sunday to make it easier for me to come... but even then, I get us all ready to walk out the door... and I sit and stare at Moo thinking, "Do I really want to do this?" If Ameira goes to nursery, every blasted Wednesday after she comes down with a runny nose. I hardly bring her anymore. Why? Because when the girl gets a cold, she is OUT for about a month. I am not exaggerating. I took her to church 2 Sundays ago. She quit wheezing yesterday with the help of a steroid medication and two different inhaler medications. It is R I D I C U L O U S to say the least. Its taken her 2 Sundays to stop wheezing, but she still has a runny nose and cough. I would be pissed if I walked in with a healthy kid and saw a kid lookin' like her. I will keep her out this week and we'll see how it goes the following week. I have considered keeping her out but up until 2 weeks ago I was keeping Asher out too... and I couldn't manage both of them out. Sometimes I think, oh well, just send her! But then I feel really guilty doing that to other parents who are probably just as frustrated as I am. I know she'll get older and be less susceptible to illness... partly because she'll quit putting stuff in her mouth and she'll be able to wash her own hands before eating that darn snack. I know it will pass, it is just hard. She also needs the interaction that nursery brings for her development. I'm not sure keeping her out of nursery until she is two and then dumping her in there telling her I will pick her up later will be successful. She won't have built that trust up and I don't want her to have to struggle like that unnecessarily. Her getting sick means we don't go out until she is better. We don't see anyone except my parents or the people we pass at the grocery store. It makes. me. so. crazy.

Part of the loneliness while we are well is very much something I can control. If I could just work up the guts to switch to a church in our community I think my life would be blessed for it. Saving all that gas! for one. Being able to go to church other than just Sunday mornings. Being able to serve during the week rather than just on Sundays which is too complicated because of not being able to commit (if Ry is gone and a kid gets sick? if Ry is there and he is playing guitar for the service...and a kid gets sick? you get the picture). I would LOVE having girls in my community to hang out with for an hour or two spontaneously. There is nothing spontaneous about trying to drive 40 minutes, stay long enough to make the gas worth it, and then driving home for 40 minutes... without missing naptimes. I would LOVE to leave for church in the morning and have packed FOR CHURCH, not for the entire day and possibly next day if we need to spend the night at my moms because we're out too late. It just seems so much less complicated to go to church, come home, switch gears, and head back out. AND. If we lived closer and a kid was sick, we could take turns staying home. Ry could go to the service and play (bc playing is a gift that I'm sure where ever we attend he will be using), and then I could go to the Sunday School portion (or whatever each church calls is). Thats not really an option now unless we traded kids in the parking lot rather than at home. I just really suck at meeting new people.

So enough with the church aspect of it.

I think an unavoidable aspect of this season of life is that everybody has kids that have their own bedtimes and naptimes and sickness quarantines. I feel like every weekend finds me hanging out at my mom's because I've given up asking people to hang out. Ry works every other weekend and I'm not sure why but it feels like if I ask a couple to hang out as families while he is working then it just makes the friend's husband feel weird. I am probably projecting that. I don't want to steal time from a couple by asking just the girlfriend to hang out because I know how precious Ry's time off for us is. However... when you stop asking people to hang out... you can't expect those people to remember to ask you to hang out.

I'm realizing more and more that I'm a small group, committed friend type of girl. That I'm so very, very insecure when it comes to friendships. If I feel like someone doesn't have the time for me I start to second guess the entire friendship and read WAY too much into small gestures or oversights. I don't get all bent out of shape I just assume that they have better things to do with their other friends. I never in a million years would have thought I would be like this. But really? I don't have a lot of time to hang out either. I am possessive about Ryan's nights off because of how much time we do get with him. I feel like it is such of waste of our time together if I plan to go out, leaving him with the kids for the night. I trust him with the kids, its just that I want to be there too to soak up any spare minute I can with him. There are projects to do and quality time to be spent as a family. I also think its important for him to take off, leaving me with the kids, so he can develop strong relationships with his guy friends. But when is this all supposed to happen? If I only plan to go out on the nights he is working to be most efficient with Ryan's time... that means I have to have a sitter every time. I get over-think-ish about how much is too much to ask my mom or sisters to babysit. How much is too much to have my kids gone from me all the time?

And round and round we go. blah blah blah.

I miss my friends. I miss Ry. I want to be brave enough to try a new church but don't feel like I have the time to sink into making new friendships. I wish Moo wasn't so medically fragile.

I Bite Strawberries and I Bite My Children.

2011-06-23T13:11:00.002-04:00

Heard enough about strawberries yet? Not me, man. They are still coming strong. Yesterday I picked another five pounds. Today I picked another pound before the rain had me running very ungracefully back inside. One pound is good enough to get us to tomorrow without losing a bunch to gross goeyness. I'm liking the pace of these berries. I am thinking that this is the perfect size patch for us this year (but I would like to alter the construction just a little to make it more efficient). We have eaten a ton of berries fresh, had some strawberry desserts, canned15 jars of jam, ... and already started opening the cans. I also have about 5 more batches worth of strawberries (for jam) in the freezer just waiting to be processed. The novelty still has not worn off, and I hope it does before the season is completely over so I can restock the pantry. The best part? It is FREE. Haven't even paid to water it because God's been doing the job just fine so far this season.

Our patch is 6' by 8'. It is really hard to reach into the middle to grab those bright red berries without having to step into the raised bed. That wouldn't be such a big deal except it has been super wet this year and I just know that stepping one tiny foot into that bed would compact the soil horribly. Since these are perennials we can't exactly fix the bed easily. We can fix it... but not easily. I'm thinking about adding an aisle right down the middle so we have two beds 6' by 3.5' wide. It'd probably make things a whole heck of a lot easier. Darn that Square Foot Gardening by Mel Bartholomew... I wish I'd have found it just a few months sooner last year so I could have seen the 4'x4' method. ohhhhhh well.

Blah, blah, blah.

So Asher is gettin' to be one cutie pie little dude. He has figured out the johnny jump up and likes to really get that thing going. He figured it out on Monday night... and has been going to town ever since. He also learned to roll over but he looks awfully surprised every time he does it. Klobbering his head on the tile floor isn't all that fun so I hope he doesn't register it as negative reinforcement when he happens to roll over.

Moosey is adding a lot of words to her vocabulary. I can't even keep track, although I did try. Just know its a lot. My favorites are some old ones and a few new ones; "Me-Me" = Excuse Me. "Ho-Me" = Hold Me. And some new ones: "Dobbies" = Strawberries. "Sop, Mama. NO BITES." = Stop, Mama. No Bites. (When I may or may not be trying to bite her.) "Sop, Sissy" = Stop Sister. (When Sister is being a meanie)

And what to say about Acey? She is such a good kid. She is such an easy kid. Seriously. Every once in a while she gives me one HUGE FIGHT that makes me cry, and slam my head in the wall for an hour or so... but then she returns to her normal, helpful, smart, considerate, awesome little self. She insists on "doing school" for hours at a time which consists of us working through this preschool curriculum workbook full of puzzles, games, matching, coloring, tracing, etc. Classic Aayla move; driving down the road listening to Moo scream about needing her bobby. I was fed up and asked Acey (while we were driving, mind you) to quick hop out and grab the bobby and then buckle back in. She looked at me very seriously and said, "Mom, I'm not going to obey you, and I'm sorry, but its not safe for me to get out of my booster while we are going down the road. It will make me really unsafe and I don't want to get lost if there is an accident. I'm real sorry." And how do you argue with that? See what I mean? The girl can practically raise herself now.

One Strawberry, Two Strawberry, Red Strawberry, Grey Strawberry... ewww

2011-06-15T10:24:00.000-04:00

I made plans for my kids to go to my sister's house so I could go do a really efficient and effective job at picking a boat load of berries today. I do not think I will need to pay for strawberries this year. In the 7 days that our little 6'x8' patch started producing we have harvested 12.5 pounds for us. Two more pounds were given to our neighbor. One more pound was rotten because I didn't pick Monday or Tuesday.

16.5 pounds of berries produced so far. Whoa. I planned to pick 20 pounds to make into jam. Last year I think I did about ten pounds. We ran out of jam at Christmas.

Not paying for berries makes our homemade jam CHEAP. I like cheap.

Those moldy grey ones are disgusting.

Crazy Eyes

2011-06-14T22:19:00.000-04:00

I passed a sign that says, "Cemetery Flowers" and underneath it says, "Father's Day Gift." I know what it meant but I giggled a little thinking about getting crazy eyes from my dad when I gave him flowers for his grave plot.

Nothing says I hate you like gravestone decorations... when you are alive and well.

Just One of Those Days

2011-06-12T21:26:00.000-04:00

Went grocery shopping yesterday and bought a pack of Cherry Coke. Had a really rough morning and afternoon with the kids. I took a break while Ryan was awake before going back to work. When it was time for him to leave I came home and picked up right about where we all left off.

There are six empty Cherry Coke cans sitting on my counter. Oops.

At least it's not booze.

Feast of the Strawberry Moon

2011-06-12T00:30:00.002-04:00

We finally made it to the Feast of the Strawberry Moon this year. I've seen signs for it for the past... ohhh 4 years or so, but it seems like something has always been happening and we never actually made it. Maybe it was just that it was just a curiosity rather than an actual desire to go. Either way, curiosity is satisfied and I think we'll mosey on back next year. Kind of fun to see all the people walking around in costume. If you don't know what I'm talking about, and I'm guessing there is a very small minority that does, it is a type of festival where they reinact something--and to tell you the truth, I don't know what they were reenacting--but all the people were in colonial getup. Canvas tents where people actually spent the night, rotisserie dinners, flint-lock guns, girls in dresses and bonnets, and people dressed up like Indians.

Let me be the first to tell you... those Indians sure liked airing it out too. I saw more than one butt cheek as it was a rather windy day. I didn't mean to be looking at all their sun-don't-shines but when I realized what I was looking at the first time... I couldn't help but look at every other "Native American" (in quotes, bc I think they were just in character rather than actual Native American descendants) man's hind end that passed me wondering if they really were walking around a family festival with nothing but a butt flap on under those longer shirts and above their deer skin leg covers. I mentioned it to Ry and you'd be right in guessing that he was walkin' around checkin them out too.

Highlight of our trip; the Juggling show. H I L A R I O U S as well as impressive. They had a lot of quips that, yes, were rehearsed but were funny nonetheless. Aayla was slightly entertained--see first picture. Ameira was incredibly entertained... by climbing onto the bench, standing on it, sitting down... and repeat. Ryan and I were laughing pretty hard. My face hurt. The pictures are of them doing a 6 club juggle with a woman in the middle, one of the "brothers" (if they actually are) standing on the other and both of them juggling KNIVES. I was really impressed he could even stand up there... flashbacks to being a flyer on the JV cheerleading team and the most complicated flying I ever did was sit on a girl's shoulders.

Then we saw Ry off to work and headed out to grab dinner. I brought all three kids into Panera with me, ordered, got the food, got it all going... and then realized that I just did something I'd been dreading; restaurant with all three by myself. It was a piece of cake. Everyone behaved. It was no big deal; hence me realizing it as an afterthought. We brought Ry some dinner at work and he repaid us with a ride around the block in the fire truck. They usually do a run to make sure everything is running well at least once during a shift and so he let us tag along. Happy girls. Asher didn't care.

Nice cold summer day. Happy Strawberry Season!

one day's worth of strawberries

2011-06-09T11:29:00.001-04:00

one day's worth of strawberries from our little garden.

2011-06-09T11:28:00.001-04:00

2011-06-04T00:07:00.001-04:00

Started scraping the house today. I attempted to find a babysitter so I could ACTUALLY help but it didn't really work out. So we relied on the city to entertain the kids. The girls sat for a long time just staring at them. I figured why wreck a good thing? and brought out dinner to them (my girls). By the time the workers were done for the day my mom showed up to play. Hey, it worked.

2011-06-04T00:02:00.001-04:00

Get in my Belly

2011-06-02T09:03:00.000-04:00

Granola & Yogurt for breakfast.
Pita Chips, hummus & veggies for lunch.
Spaghetti & bread for dinner
popcorn & yogurt-fruit popsicles for snacks

Asher is having milk.

That all looks pretty healthy and every bit is homemade... and the best part? I picked the quick and easy stuff to use up what we have that I know the kids would eat. I've got great kids, huh?

Summer Girl.

2011-05-31T23:50:00.001-04:00

Please note her missing tooth and how it makes you just want to bite her.

Sweet Dreams.

2011-05-29T23:19:00.000-04:00

What Your Sleep Personality Says About Your Waking Life
How personality, sleep and health are intertwined.
By Maia Szalavitz for MSN Health & Fitness

The Dreaming Sleeper

Can you vividly recall your dreams each morning? Your sleep style indicates that you are likely highly creative in your waking life.

"People with an intensely high level of dream recall have something called 'thin borders,'" says James Pagel, M.D., director of the Sleepworks Laboratory in Colorado Springs, Colo. "That means that for them, everything is in shades of gray, there's not whole lot of black or white. They’re not purely Democrats or Republicans; they are not quite asleep or awake; and they define much of their lives in that way."
Such people tend to be odd and quirky—and although most are perfectly normal, they are at higher risk than others for schizophrenia.

This makes me giggle. I'm at my parent's house "camping" with my kids. "Camping" has turned into just spending the night in their spare bedrooms. Dad's homepage is MSN.com and this sleep personality thing was one of those stories that pop up in the slide show. I flipped through it and saw this--which describes my relationship with sleep SO WELL.

When I was at college I had an incredibly vivid dream that my dad cheated on my mom and then tried to kill her when she found out. There was no basis for this dream at all. I knew it was a dream... and therefore not real. The next couple times my dad called, I had a hard time talking to him. R I D I C U L O U S.

I have woken up so mad at Ryan more times than I can count. A few of those times it has taken me hours to reconcile reality with the dream. Sometimes I know it's not real, but I get so lost just thinking about how mad I would be if it ever really happened.

I have woken up so scared that I have sat in my bed, with a gun, alone, cowering and crying. I know it's not real, but I'm so terrified of either falling back asleep and redreaming the same dream or staying awake and having it actually happen. Ryan pretty much assumes that if he gets a call in the middle of the night, odds are I have had a bad dream and am so scared I need to hear a real voice to anchor me to reality.

It's so ridiculous. I laugh at myself... during the daytime.

It's a Party Goin' On 'Round Here

2011-05-27T22:00:00.000-04:00

Sarcastic, sardonic, ironic.

So what am I? Humor is my motive--rarely, if ever (I'm sure it has been every once in a while when I'm really pissed off so I can't say never), to hurt. I generally don't focus it on people that I don't know, and therefore could be offended. It's usually banter-ish. It's expressing something mean when it's obvious that I mean the exact opposite... like telling my sisters I hate them which makes them smirk and realize that I just told them I love them, or telling them I'm sick of seeing them when they know that I just want to (beg them to) hang out.

I have never had that great of a vocabulary but I've been trying to learn because I think it's never too late to get not-stupid. I don't care how stupid it makes me look to admit this; I've never heard of the word sardonic before. Ever. I don't really get what it means. I don't really understand what ironic really means. I hear people saying, "Yea, ironically I just talked to her last night." but... I also hear people saying, "Irregardless, that is what happened." And I know that ain't a word. You can't trust nobody.

This? This is what is consuming my head on this fine Memorial Weekend Friday night as I sit here alone, drinking myself silly. I'm such a rockstar. Blame it on the kids with sugarplums dancing on their faces. My life got all kinds a crazy-crazy. Oh wait, Drinking what? Psh, cherry coke of course because I'm hopeless. Hopelessly addicted and apparently happy about it... until it's gone. Then I start thinking about how I really shouldn't be drinking pop because its so darn bad for me. Enough of that talk for at least another 18 ounces or so.

My Girl Moo

2011-05-25T01:18:00.001-04:00

I love her to pieces. Times infinity.

Buttermilk

2011-05-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

Its a rainy day and Daddy is working, so here's the list.

(check) Butter--I've figured it out and I was right! The butter I was making was WRONG. This round of butter is smelling just like the store butter (but I think I'm supposed to say a little nicer, because people that do homemade are supposed to be snobby). I could sit and eat a spoonful or two straight, that is how much better it is. Ryan is a genius for showing me a better way. (FOOD PROCESSOR instead of the stand mixer).
(check) Buttermilk--1/4 c of buttermilk from making butter added to 4 cups of milk. Shake for a minute, and let it sit in a warm place for 24 hours.
(check) Granola--double batch since we eat it like MAD. I've figured out (because I read it somewhere) if you squeeze it real tight it will clump up... and that makes the best snacking granola. Mmmmm
(rising) Bread--first homemade bread since before Asher was born. I'm slowly getting back into the saddle since he is slowly creeping up onto 3 months.
Reheating leftovers for dinner: Sausage and Spinach Pesto Pasta (from Emily's blog) and the Cottage Pie. (I love serving leftovers. I don't necessarily love eating them.)

I never realized how much I would use buttermilk if I had it.

A batch of mini blueberry muffins for Alissa's shower Saturday. (requires 1c of buttermilk)
2 mornings of buttermilk pancakes. (requires 2c of buttermilk)
Scones (requires 1c of buttermilk)
Chicken marinade (requires 1c of buttermilk)

I LOVE GETTING MILK FROM THE FARM. I am almost positive that I will never go back to buying supermarket milk... but if it comes down to my kids starving or keeping our milk herd share I promise I will choose my kids. I will keep our share or buy a cow and sell a few shares of it because yes, its good... but it's also FUN. Yea, I said it.

In other news, I cut a door and windows into the HUGE box our deck table came in and the girls are loving their new playhouse. Kids... so darn easy to please.

Chaos I Wouldn't Change. Or Would I?

2011-05-13T17:57:00.000-04:00

Made granola. Fed Asher. Fed the girls the granola. Cleaned kitchen. Put together our new deck table. "Got real mad" at Ameira and ended up putting her down for a nap at 10 am. Fed Asher. Did 5 loads of laundry. Played on the swing set with the girls. Hung the diapers out in the sun to fade the poop stains (and holy moly I'm amazed at how well the sun bleaches... not surprised, but amazed). Made baked potatoes and sauted asparagus for lunch (which was welcomed and eaten out on the new outdoor table by both Little and Littler Enlow). Didn't clean kitchen.Yelled at Ameira some more because of the incessant whining. Felt really bad about my body, said enough is enough, and went directly inside to buy two sundresses online that cost WAY TOO MUCH so I won't have to wear shorts this summer. Don't tempt me; I WILL wear them every other day and end up wearing them out by the end of summer if I have to. Fed Asher. Ordered a preschool enrollment packet so I can sign Ace up before it's filled. Ordered another copy of every card except my driver license because Littler Enlow has entered "Let's hide everything or throw it away, whichever seems like it'd make mom most crazy" phase. I KNOW I brought my wallet inside. I have verified there aren't extra purchases being made... so I just ordered a second copy of everything. Sent the girls outside to "shop" for items in the yard. Woke up Ryan. Made a plan for dinner. Yelled at Ameira some more because of the finger-nails-on-a-chalkboard whining. Tried to pick up the house. Talked Ryan into running to the store for some spinach. Cried a little because of Ameira's whining. Helped weed the garden. Planted 20 Zinnias. Watched the girls play in the kid pool. Mourned the loss of Pastor Doug (the Chicken). Decided it was time to let the asparagus have the season off. Fed Asher. Yelled at Ameira some more for whining. Stared at the kitchen while wishing it'd clean itself for a change.

Made plans to:

Pull out the starts from the basement and start hardening them off so I can plant them in a couple days.
Plant hostas in the planter boxes on the deck to shade out the weeds and therefore cut down on all weeding.
Turn one of the corner boxes into a sandbox. Need to figure out how to cover one of them so my kids don't end up making sand castles of neighborhood cat poop.
Pick strawberries alone so I can pick just about 20 pounds to dry, jam, and freeze some in a couple weeks.
Have some friends over Monday night for dinner.

If I hear any more whining from Littler Enlow I'm going to go jump off a cliff. I know she's tired because she woke up so many times last night. I know she's itchy because of those black gnat bites she got at my mom's yesterday. I know she's on the brink of some amazing new skill that is frustrating the crap out of her. but oh the whining. I may fit into my regular pant size again, and I may be the right weight but I'm really hating my post-baby body. Keep your, "but you just had a baby" comments to yourself. I'm aware of it and I'm aware that I'm being hard on myself, but it's hard to remember to feel pretty sometimes. I'm pretty sure the only times I have sat down were feeding Asher for 15 minutes each time and ordering sundresses. Even though I have all these things bugging me... I can still step back and be so utterly and completely overwhelmed by how much I adore my kids. Every infuriating, obnoxious and "making-me-bash-my-head-into-a-wall" thing about them... because really? I wouldn't have it any other way. I watched Ameira waddle around in her binkini with her dimpled buns hanging out about 5 minutes after I yelled, "AMEIRA. STOP. WHINING." and thought, "ahhh, I'm going to miss this."

At this exact moment, Acey is saying, "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom." oh wait.... a few more, "Mom. Mom. Mom. I. Love. You." And she is holding up her fingers in the "I Love You" sign that I taught her yesterday. Obnoxious... but it melts my heart.

Carrots

2011-05-11T15:26:00.001-04:00

Work 'em like you own 'em.

Busy, busy, busy

2011-05-11T13:00:00.000-04:00

These kids keep me hopping, but I want to make a record in the way that I make records (blog) as to what life is currently like.

--I just looked over at the girls laughing together on the couch. Moo has a handful of hair she just yanked out of Acey's head.

Aayla:

Is reading. Not kidding. She has been putting together really simple consonant-vowel-consonant words like fix, hit, mit, kit, dad, mad, sad, hop, run, sun, fun. She is so proud of herself and so am I. We do it when she wants to and stop when she starts to get distracted. I'm taking my Father-in-law's advice of, "Stop while everyone is still having fun." She's getting long and leggy. She broke the 30 pound mark finally... and then lost 4 pounds when I stopped fighting with her to eat. I took back up the fight and she gained it all back plus one. She is out of the battle of the wills stage (which I think is supposed to be the hard part about 3 year olds) but now we're getting into lying, tattling, and dealing with her trying to understand her emotions.

Ameira:

Moo hasn't worn a diaper to bed in the past two weeks. I have done an emergency changing of the sheets only once. We were waking to take her potty at night since we were waking with Asher anyway. She has now taken over that role and will wake herself and tell us. Ryan still takes her potty around 6:30 am when he gets home... which makes me getting up quickly in the morning a little less dire. We have consistently taken her out in public in regular clothes and regular panties. No more training pants. It's just a "don't look back" type of situation. Yes, she's had accidents, and yes I cleaned poop off the floor of every stinkin' room of our house the other day because she took herself to the bathroom, didn't announce it with her regular "poopy! poopy!", and then got off the toilet with it all over her bottom... then she played! Kids are not for the faint of heart.
Her tubes are still snuggly in place... almost 3/4 of a year since her last ear infection. She's still a wheezing mess when she gets a minor cold, but I think even that is getting better.
She's n a u g h t y. It's funny so its hard to remember to be consistent with her.
She whines and cries for just about everything because she is frustrated with not being able to physically do something.
She is so tender and compassionate to her siblings. Ace is very aware of how everyone feels, but Ameira will sit and feel what you are feeling. She will console you. She may be a bull in a china shop, but she's sweet.
Words

Happy. We'll hear, "Ahh-pee, ahh-pee, ahh-pee" which means she is happy, happy, happy. :)
Excuse Me. "Me-Me" but it sounds more like it has a bme bme sound to it. She says it appropriately when she toots, burps, or when she just needs you to move out of her way.
the obvious ones: mama, dada, ball,
Cookie. "coooooookie" said with a devilish grin.
Come. Vigorously beckoning you with her hand followed by a very bossy sounding, "Kahm." Usually to get her a cookie.
A bunch more that I can't remember right now. :) I'll try to pay attn to get it recorded for her baby book. (which is why I'm posting all of this. It's easier to record it and then come back through and glean it all).

Asher:

Asher did his own thing for most of the first 4 weeks; and he mostly chose to eat and then sleep. He woke every 2 hours through the night to eat but would go about 3 hours during the day. Sometime around 6 week mark I decided to get back on the Babywise train with him. I coaxed him into staying awake a little longer after he ate (which he was already showing signs of wanting to do) and then starting to get his naps in a pattern. I think it's easier for first born kids to do this because I think their bodies naturally want to be in an eat, awake, sleep pattern... but they don't have to be interrupted by older (louder) siblings or by a parent that needs to leave the house so the older children don't self destruct. So now he's on a really good napping pattern, doing one 5-6 hour stretch between eating, and then 3 hours during the day--unless he's in a growth spurt.
He was 16.5 pounds at his 2 month check up, which is craaaaaazy big. I'm sending out his 3-6 month clothes because they are too tight on him. His 6-9 month clothes are also starting to get a little snug. He's so laid back and enjoyable. He's just along for the ride.
I put Asher in the johnny jump up a couple days ago because he's starting to get tired of sitting in the bouncy seat all day. He loves it. He's not jumping, but at least he's in the standing position... and he can barf till his heart is content. He barfs a LOT. More than Ameira did... and she had reflux. He isn't fussy with his barfing so the doctor says we're going to label him a "happy spitter" and leave him alone.
He's already battled a round of RSV and used the nebulizer. Looks like we'll have another child with a "weak respiratory system."
He smiles a LOT. His first smile was at the hospital to one of my pastors... Ryan wasn't even there. Tim picked him up and said something to him... and he smiled REALLY big. Stinker. First laugh was about 2 weeks ago.
He poops in every single diaper... and when he doesn't I know something is wrong. Like when I left him with Alissa for the night and told her to just give him formula. He was so fussy and constipated we gave him a glycerin suppository. He pooped in about 5 minutes and went right back to pooping in every diaper. I'm going to get confused when that changes soon. I'm pretty sure that can't last forever. I hope.

Food Experiment

Our milk share went up to 3 gallons a week and so Ry made mozzarella. It was AMAZING. Next time he said he's going to roll the ball into small sticks for string cheese. It's about 4 dollars cheaper to do it with our cow share milk than it is to buy from the store!! Extra bonus: it cuts down on all that packaging.
I have tried over and over again to make homemade butter from our cream. I just don't like it. I think I'll have to get used to it. I'm used to our storebrand butter that smells like nothing... well, maybe smells a little sweet if anything, but mostly smells like nothing. I'm not used to the milk solids smell of it or that same taste when it's smeared on toast. I may just have to get better at making it. I still make it (and throw away the butter) to get the buttermilk for pancakes, scones, muffins, etc. Yum.
Homemade yogurt & berry popsicles. Yum.
Asparagus came up and we picked our first load May 1. We've picked it just about every other day since then and had enough for a meal each time. Yum.
Next thing I'm directing my attn to is buying bulk grains and milling them myself. If I'm serious about this bread thing, flour is expensive when I buy it in the 5 pound bags. So we'll see. We're a long way off from that especially since we have ONE MONTH until strawberry season. I am so glad that I haven't waited until everything is perfect before changing our habits. I know now how much dried fruit we really would go through. Which means, despite planting our own strawberries this year, I'm still going out strawberry picking. Jam, frozen, and dried. Lots and lots and lots of strawberry will be needed.

2011-05-10T15:29:00.001-04:00

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2011-05-07T11:39:00.001-04:00

CB#: 6166489594

Phone Pics

2011-04-20T22:34:00.001-04:00

Asher Ryan 3-1-11 @ 10:06am. 9lbs 4oz.

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Stinky Success

2011-03-25T11:45:00.000-04:00

It is done. The cracklings aren't really browned but I know that it's done. It stinks a whole lot less than I imagined it to. I'm giving the cracklings to the chickens because I hear they like them... and I'm too chicken to actually eat them just yet.

Lard and My Little Fatso

2011-03-24T23:29:00.000-04:00

I'm toying with the idea of starting a different blog. A blog of the food journey I'm forcing my family to travel on (and they are going to like it dog-gone-it). Then I remember that none of my recipes are original, my ideas aren't original, blah blah blah. So instead of pretending to be a big foodie, I'll continue to be a little foodie and poach ideas unabashedly from other sites like smitten kitchen, allrecipes, and whatever whole foods recipe site strikes my fancy for the day.

So big news, we had a kid. My little man. That kid was freakin' hurting me and you know what? He jumped out at a whopping nine and a half pounds! No wonder, little punk. I think I had a few issues going on that culminated in the perfect storm of torture for the last couple months, but praise the LORD that is over. And holy moly he's a perfect baby. He rarely cries, and when he does it's simple to figure out what he's crying about.

So many, many things I could type for hours about: How amazing Asher is. How the c-section went. How recovery went, how we're all adjusting, how Ryan and I are doing, etc etc. However all I'm really in the mood to talk about is food. Sorry Asher. Poor third kid.

I am going to render lard tonight in the slow cooker for the first time ever. And I have every expectation that it will STINK. I think I'm going to plug it in on the back porch and cross my fingers that it turns out well.

This is my plan before feeding Asher in a half hour. Cut up chunks in 1/2" pieces. Add pieces and a half of a cup of water to the crock pot. Turn crock pot on to low. Go to bed and feed Asher.

We are officially done cooking with hydrogenated oils in this house. One more step forward.

Different Angle

2011-02-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

Talking with my sister today, I happened to stumble across a truth that has given me a lot of peace. This past year has taught me a lot about humbling myself and asking for help when I need it. I felt like with all this pelvic pain blah blah that it was another test (if you want to call it that) to trust God by asking for help. I believed that if I just admitted I couldn't do it, asked the doctor to bump up my c-section date... that He would help me by allowing me to duck and run with this thing. I believed it. That is why I was so completely devastated by the answer of no. I felt like I missed something. Changing my mind, realigning it with the truth of the matter... instead of lining it up so that the doctor could help me, it is my family--once again-- that is stepping in to help me. Does that mean God left me hanging? No. I'm not left hanging. I'm fully supported. Does that mean it was my family and not God that is helping? Absolutely not. Who do you think put me in this family to begin with?

The answer to my prayer might not have been the exact way I was expecting. However, it is an answer. It is clear. I am not good with vague answers. God is good. I have realigned my will with the truth of God's promises. I still want this freakin' baby out of my freakin' body so freakin' bad... but I have been given yet one more opportunity to realize that it is not the ease of the road that dictates where I travel, but rather putting my head down and putting one foot in front of the other in obedience to God. Patience. Joy. Contentment. And... some more patience. And juuuust a bit more patience.

Wouldn't Change a Thing... 'Cause I Can't.

2011-02-18T10:59:00.000-05:00

I prepared my mind to not cry, stick to the facts, and stress that this baby needs to GET OUT because I can't do it anymore. Mostly, I can't do it alone in the evenings and at night while Ry is at work anymore. I told her how Ace had an ear infection that burst her eardrum, and Moo had a cold that kept her up coughing/crying for 3 straight hours (strategically starting AFTER Ace was finally asleep) and how helpless I was because of it all. I couldn't get up to help them so I resorted to yelling to them and getting up the least amount of times possible. I told her how its a slow downhill pretty much after 6pm with what I can do physically. However, the law is the law, and legally she can't schedule a c-section for a pregnancy that isn't having medical complications even a day earlier than 39 weeks. I know I'm desperate, but I'm not going to pretend that my issues throw me up there with the women that are dealing with actual, you know, life threatening issues. Sometimes I feel like people are thinking, "Psh, get over it Nancy, people with twins are going through so much worse than what you are going through." Maybe. But I'm telling you, this is not normal end of pregnancy pain. Smug-first-pregnancy-Nancy, I'm wishing it was possible to slap you for thinking that pregnancy wasn't that big of a deal and people were just big complainers. And to make it even better. He has now turned head down. I was literally praying he'd stay breech. Breech gives the luxury of not having a baby head burrowing ever-downward into an already tender, painful area. Breech isn't comfortable, but it was that much less pressure down there.

So I threw a pity party while the girls were napping.

Then, I accepted that I can't change the circumstances so I have to change my mind about how I'm dealing with them. I'm already praying about it, so maybe that is why I'm not throwing myself off a bridge right now. Just half-kidding. I have 7 nights that I will be alone between now and the scheduled Mar 3 c-section. This weekend will find me, again, at my mom's. Monday & Tuesday Ryan will be home. Wednesday & Thursday the girls and I will be spending the night at my sister's. Ry will be home for the weekend (PRAISE THE LORD), and that leaves me with one night alone before Ryan's parents get here. One night. I can do that. Yesterday I was ready to throw in the towel, but today the sun is shining and I'm encouraged. I love my family. I love my husband. I love my kids. This Asher bump gets a spankin' when he comes out, but I love him too.

During my pity party, Ryan went out and bought Chinese food because I had said I wanted it the other day. He also grabbed a box of cherry coke and a container of orange slice candy. If you know anything about Ryan and his view on sugar... you'd know that this is a big deal that usually takes at least a half hour of convincing him how desperately I want it. He did hand it over with a stern reminder to brush my teeth directly following, but it was still love. Do you know how loved it made me feel to have him say verbally, "Just tell me what I can do, I'll do anything." That is such a good reminder to me that we are a team and that he is IN this thing... no matter how "emotionally compromised" (to steal from the All-State commercial) I am. It's a good reminder that I'm not alone; struggling through this and needing to figure out how to take care of myself and my girls.

This is the sweetness of marriage at it's best.

And, its made even better by the fact that we are having a pre-spring thaw. I know its probably going to all freeze again. I know that it might even snow again. But seeds are planted, the sun is shining, I have wonderful family, this baby will eventually come out, and spring will eventually get here.

Gardening 2011

2011-02-14T16:13:00.000-05:00

I am committing it to memory that Valentines Day each year is when our first seeds should be planted under the lights. This makes me so incredibly happy. March 28 will be when carrot and pea seeds go in the ground. I think its going to align itself with my antsy-ness to get up and do something after the baby. Very excited.

Patience

2011-02-13T10:33:00.000-05:00

Patience is not my strong suit.

I'm waiting for this baby to get out already. I am nervous when Ry isn't home because if I stop moving, I might not get started again. Which means, I might end up sleeping on the couch. That's not such a bad thing, if it weren't for my hips and pelvis issues. I think if I slept on the couch I'd be screwed for the next day. So, I only sit on the couch when Ry is home. Literally. I'm 37 weeks tomorrow. My appointments are weekly and on Thursdays so I'm going to ask this week if I can go in the following week (week 38). I really can't function anymore in the evenings to take care of the girls. If I can make it to February 20 then Ryan's vacation will still coincide nicely with the dates that his parents are flying out here. It makes me cry to think about going until March 3. If one more person tells me it is all in God's timing or that the baby will come when the baby is ready... they will get a punch to the face. Yes, I understand and accept it but you can just keep it to yourself because I CANNOT FUNCTION.

I'm also waiting for us to get our taxes done. Ryan's friend does them every year and I'm excited to get it out of the way before the baby gets here. Worst case scenario is that Ry gathers the information from the cheat sheet I've already pulled together once we are back home. And really? That is not a big deal because the hard part of finding documents, dinkin' around with numbers, and organizing the documents are done. The refund is going to painting the house this summer and the rest is going straight to our piggy back loan so its not like I'm in a huge hurry to get it back. His friend is seriously a life saver. I still haven't taken the time to figure out how to do our taxes because Ry doesn't pay into social security but rather a govn't employee retirement thingy... and both years I did our taxes I put 0 in that amount and we had to pay a few thousand dollars. To know that someone is doing them for us is WELL worth the wait. There isn't much a wait either once we get our information to him; its just on my mind.

I'm also waiting for us to get out of this darn piggy back loan. The interest rate is high compared to what is being offered now. We are on one income and we do well, however we haven't really had the opportunity to throw large chunks of money at it... so its still this looming giant hovering over our head. However, I have become my father and found myself (during my large amounts of "needing to sit" time) playing with the numbers. We looked into refinancing our house, but oddly enough... it doesn't make sense for us to do it. We'd be farther behind financially than if we were to just get out from under this darn loan. Summer 2013 baby. There will be some major strictness regarding our budget from now until then (and even a little after that while we build the down payment category). I'm excited (right now) for the challenge. That means if the gas category is at 0... the van doesn't go anywhere unless it is a necessity. That means there is a temporary hiatus on all spending money until our spending accounts are black again. Darn it. Haircuts are the only exception.

I'm waiting to be the family that we are going to be as 5. I'm waiting to get out of this house. I'm waiting to start our dream. However... patience.

In other news... Ameira has hit her 18 month language explosion. And she loves to make Acey belly laugh. It makes for a great combination. "Uh-oh", "cup", "bye-bye", "potty", "poopy", "potty", "pee-pee", "ummmm" with an adorable shoulder shrug and the international hand sign for "I don't know." These are the ones that came out just this week. When asked why she was put in timeout, she shrugged, held out her up-turned hands, and said, "ummmmmmmmmmmmmm, hmmmmm." :) I love that girl.

Random Happenings at the End of a Pregnancy.

2011-01-21T16:50:00.000-05:00

Starting to squirrel away food for post-delivery. Now that I've got the system down for bread I decided that I'm going double the recipe each week and freeze half of the dough (in the early stages, but after all the mixing and kneading) in one loaf sizes so that Ry can let it rise and cook it up each week I'm out of commission. I made a few pie crusts to use with the chicken pot pie filling. I have been waiting to use up the last of that Crisco for the shells. I know its probably not as disgusting as I think it is, but making frosting for my wedding cake absolutely grossed me out and I will forever equate crisco and frosting made from crisco as absolutely disgusting. (side note; oddly enough the frosting on my wedding cake was really good... but I still get the heebie-jeebies) I'm too cheap, so don't even ask why I didn't just throw it away. Now maybe I'll get up the courage to go buy some lard from the local organic farmers. I know she sells it. I know how much it is and its not that much. I know of a handful of recipes to use it in and a bunch of places to substitute it in. I know its a natural fat and therefore better for you than vegetable oil. (which seems like it should be a natural fat judging by the name.) I just have to work up the guts to actually buy it... and use it.

I like cooking with Moo. She stands there and pokes her fingers in anything you are making... and then eats it. She stood by me today while I was rolling out the pie crust. She was eating straight up flour. Plain. Powdery. Yuck. She will eat anything she can touch while standing at the counter. I gave her some actual dough to sample so she doesn't get a warped view of what is good food. It makes me happy to spend time with her while being productive; which is what I think the tug-of-war is about being a stay-at-home-mom. So much needs to be done that its quite easy to go an entire day without spending quality time with your kids. What? It needs to be done... but really it isn't an excuse. If I really wanted to pretend my kids weren't there for a portion of the day, why not just put them in daycare? I'm 100% positive that some daycare kids get more quality time from their parents (OBVIOUSLY most daycare kids get more quality time with an adult because its set up to be a program and that is what parents are paying for, that goes without saying). I don't want that to be true about me. Its just hard to remember that when a bunch of tasks seem to swallow my day.

In other random, random news from these parts. Ace has a massive swollen gland on the side of her neck. It just BAM! appeared after her nap Wednesday. It was almost to her ear and halfway down her jaw; yes, that big. We took her to the doctor on our way to pick out a new sink and the doctor said its probably nothing, but gave us a prescription to fill for antibiotics incase it got bigger, turned red, became painful, or she spiked a fever. She spiked a fever last night so I just started the antibiotics. It creeps me out. It really creeps me out. Today it is past her ear and almost to her chin... and it feels like two lumps instead of one. Its so weird seeing her pretty little face and then this ginormous mass on her neck. I hope it goes away with the antibiotics so we know it was just an infection... because I'm going to feel like a real class "A" jerk if its more serious. Strangest thing ever.

I'm slowing down. I'm fat. I could barely get off the couch last night because I had slipped earlier in the day and felt like my pelvic bone had split in two... or completely fallen off my body. This is the most ridiculous pregnancy as far as these stupid aches and pains go. I couldn't even move my legs apart to take a tiny step. Ryan literally lifted me off the couch. He was going to give me a piggy back ride in to bed but we quickly realized that it painfully plastered Asher up against his back. I asked if he could just drag me in by my shoulders but he opted to push me in the computer chair. haha oh geez. What a sexy sight I was. I couldn't even stand up because it put uneven pressure on my pelvis and it felt like it was ripping all over again. Ridiculous huh? So he lifted me to a standing position, helped me sit back on the bed, stood on the bed behind me... and drug me up to my pillow. BAHAHAHA. I was bawling my head off because of the pain, but even I started laughing uncontrollably because it really was just that ridiculous. This morning it was a lot better so I could go about my day. I've been sitting (while being productive) a lot just in case. Tonight I plan to put the girls to bed and sit to watch hulu... but you can bet I'm going to be prepared to sleep on the couch before I sit down. Just. In. Case.

Chicken

2011-01-10T08:05:00.000-05:00

When Ryan and I were first married, I was 21 and 4 months. I had gone away to a one year college program a few states away and had come back. He had moved across the country to a school a state away from my home, met me, graduated from college... and then moved to my town, lived with my brother-in-law and sister and had just graduated from police academy.

The thought of cooking was really, really overwhelming to me. My sister is an amazing cook. She is a perfectionist and puts a lot of love and detail into just about every meal she makes. I absolutely love eating at her house because it is a guarantee that I will be eating an amazing meal. (Like the massive prime rib roast cooked to perfection that she served for Thanksgiving!) She's kind of a hard act to follow. After we were married, I was chicken about meat. I had a hard time cooking meat because it grossed me out. I'd stick plastic baggies on my hands and try to limit all physical contact with it by using tongs to hold or poke it whenever possible. My face was in a permanent grimace.

Things got better and little by little I was becoming more brave. However, when we first moved to our house two years later I cooked my first turkey. I called my sister and wrote down the detailed steps on how to do it and referenced the specific cookbook she recommended. First, thaw the turkey. The only problem was... when it was out of the packaging and thawed... it looked like a naked bird. I cried. Seriously.

I don't even recognize myself.

I am so thankful that we slaughtered those three ducks last spring. Yes I cried for days afterward, but I feel like I finally understand that meat doesn't come from the poultry, beef, or pork aisle in nice plastic packages. It comes from chickens, cows, and pigs. Somebody did the dirty work; even if it wasn't me.

Right now I can't sleep. Ry came home from work at 6:30 am and this stage of pregnancy makes it hard to fall back asleep. The house is quiet. What am I looking at online? How to cut up a whole chicken. I'm tired of the big bag of boneless, skinless chicken breasts that cost so ridiculously much. Its a better value to buy a whole chicken and cut it up, I hear. This week I've declared as chicken week but I've got to figure out how to use it; no full roasted chicken (because that is too easy), and no chicken breast meals. Chicken broth, soup, fajitas, and a pot pie. Maybe even some fried chicken with crumbs from the homemade bread if there is time.

Comfortable Love

2011-01-07T22:44:00.000-05:00

This is how you know you are loved... no matter what.

Me: calling Ryan at work to check in because I know its somewhat close to the time he stops to eat something, "Hey hun, are you busy?" (which is what I've learned to ask right off the bat).

Ryan: "Yes... urr... no. No. Hey, can I call you back? There is about to be a shoot out..." I gasp and start praying silently that my husband will come home to us tomorrow morning, horrifying possibilities running through my head. BUT he continues, "... on TV. On this western. Oh they're going to shoot it out. Call you back." (Just as a disclaimer, he was station duty--which is the fire and medical responsibilities-- tonight AND was on lunch break. He doesn't just sit and watch TV at work.)

Me: All kinds of pressure released, "Uh. Yes. Yes, call me back. Bye." Shaking my head in relief and scoffing at myself that I fell for it.

The fact that he knows he can tell me that he wants to quick watch a part in a western movie makes me giggle... because that is real, comfortable, honest love. haha And he was advised to put the word television before the word shootout next time. ;)

Life Changes

2011-01-06T11:58:00.000-05:00

Ry worked New Years Eve and therefore I was able to hang out with my friend Rachel. Rachel gets me. She gets my life because she is basically living my life with very similar struggles, schedules, etc. Her hubby works the same job just for a different city. We ended up staying up until 2am after the kids went to bed. This was mostly because it was the first time we were able to finish a sentence to each other without being interrupted or distracted by the kids. It was really stupid because the girls ended up getting up at 6:30am. SIX THIRTY. I thought that'd be ok because maybe Ry could get a few hours of sleep at home and then we could trade off and I could get some sleep. No such luck. He has been supervisor for the shift... and there was a robbery... and he didn't get out of work until 8:30... and showed up at Rachel's at 9am. I'm pretty sure cuss words were flowing freely (mostly in my head, but I wouldn't be surprised if a few slipped out) as I found this out. Hindsight is 20/20. Ry was going to let me sleep for an hour and then sleep himself... but instead Rachel took the kids upstairs around 9:30am and I slept until 11. Holy cow.

So back to the amazing conversation. I came away from it with a few suggestions and a lot of encouragment from her... and these mostly have to do with sleep. And that makes me giggle.

Do not put up anymore with the girls coming out of their room before I'm up. I've been keeping it a secret, but I've been so desperate for sleep that when the girls wake up I've been letting them roam free. They end up coming in my room a couple times because Ace can open doors. Its a shoddy hour of pretend sleep, but I just couldn't get my body out of bed. I now know that partly was because my iron was ridiculously low. Opening the bedroom door, being exhausted even after a night of "sleep" and seeing crackers strewn about and mashed in my carpet (because Ace knows how to open up cupboards even with childproofing), couch cushions off, any clean laundry that had been folded but not put away strewn all over... just made me feel defeated. I'd spend an hour to an hour and a half trying to pick back up the house while getting the girls breakfast and all the other morning chores. It was just overwhelming. And depressing. And the rest of the house suffered. Its been just about 4 days (I can't remember, they all blend together) that we've had this rule and HALLELUJAH, PRAISE THE LORD, I FEEL REFRESHED.
Ask for help when I need it. Especially from Ryan. Especially because he's more than willing to help and because he's awake by himself for about 5-6 hours. He has time to help with things that aren't too loud... like cleaning and laundry. Funny enough, I asked him to help and he was happy to help. I actually mean happy as in happy to know what he could do for me. That just about made me cry. Last night was his night off. He built me a shelf in the cleaning closet, washed the diapers, and still had time to read, play guitar, and have his own mental down time. I don't discount the mental down time thing. He's got a hard job and I know its a necessity. AND he was still in bed by 3:30 which gives him 8.5 hours of sleep.
Ask for one day a month when I can sleep in until my body wakes me up. This is harder for me to wrap my mind around because I feel really guilty making Ryan get up in the morning. I actually haven't asked him about it yet. I know I should. I'd be a better mom for it and I know he'd be okay with it. It sounds good. We'll see about this one.
Take a nap at least a couple times a week when the girls go down, letting Ry get up with them when they wake (since they wake past his normal wake time). I did this yesterday because I was grumpy and had hit a wall. I slept for three and a half hours. WHAA??!? I also went to bed at midnight... and woke up at 9. Whaa??? yes. I am feeling patient and relaxed... like I can be a good mom.

So, all this to say. Sleep is a very, very important thing. Having a clean house is crucial to have a stressfree day. Friends are awesome. Husbands are... awesomer? Ask for help. Get help. Life can become a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Just When I Was About to Give Up

2011-01-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

I would just like to announce that this bread is freaking amazing. I am absolutely flabbergasted that the problem was simply that I needed a different brand of yeast (along with a few other minor adjustments). Oh my gosh, I just made another two loaves even though we still have a loaf and a half in the cupboard. The last two ended up starting their fourth and final rise as we needed to leave... I tried freezing one and baking one all willy-nilly. It was still better than some of my other attempts. I wanted to see if I could make perfection. I have a few more things I'd like to tinker with next time, but at least the flavor is spot on. This is from my book The Homesteader's Kitchen: Recipes from Farm to Table by Robin Burnside. I like it because its not just "Whole Wheat" brick loaf. Its got a lot more included so that its more nutritious and believe it or not, it is a really soft loaf.

Things I've learned while getting this far:

I have started preheating my oven to 400 and then turning off after a minute into the preheat process. Place the bowl of dough inside the oven and shut it in. Perfection. My house is old and drafty so it's too cold to leave out on the cupboard... and leaving the oven on leads to towels lighting on fire and 2-year-olds never forgetting the fact that Mom lit the oven on fire... WHEN WILL SHE FORGET?!
Using my Christmas present from my in-laws, a digital thermometer that has one of those oven-safe probes, I learned that it doesn't take my loaf an hour to cook... its more like 45 minutes. That explains the hard crusts I wasn't that keen on.
I will be using Red Star yeast; not Meijer and not Fleischmann. Bad luck? Coincidence? Maybe. At least I know what will work.
I tried "1.5-ing" the recipe to get two loaves that were a little bigger, but once I figured out I had bad yeast I realized the original recipe was sufficient. (and cleaning very happy to be rising over the bowl bread dough from the oven floor was not fun)

Honey Whole Grain Bread (makes 2 loaves)
*I'm going to omit most of her instruction. If you're really that curious, buy the book because its a really good one.

3 c lukewarm water
1/3 c honey
1 T dry baker's yeast or 1 package active-dry
6-8 c whole wheat or spelt flour (I used white whole wheat)
1/3 c rolled oats
1/4 c millet
1/4 c corn flour
1/4 c rye flour
2 T vital wheat gluten, optional
1/4 c vegetable oil, optional (I used olive oil)
1 T sea salt

1. Proof your yeast by combining water, honey and yeast and letting it sit for 5 minutes.

2. Add half the wheat flour (3 cups) by 1/2 cup increments and stir 100 times. Then add oats, millet, corn flour, rye flour, and gluten. Stir an additional 50 times. First rise: For each rise, cover with a damp towel and let it rise for an hour in a warm place.

3. Knead it for at least 10 minutes. The longer you knead it, the softer it will be. (and mine is soooooft after ten minutes of kneading.) Second Rise.

4. Punch it down and Third Rise.

5. Separate it into two loafs and roll them each into a log shape that will fit your pan. Fourth Rise.

6. Preheat the oven to 350. Make a few small slits in the top to let out steam and pop the bread in the oven to cook for about an hour. OR until the internal temp is 185.

It does take time. See previous post about patience. Not so much actual time to interact with it, but more along the lines of time at home to monitor the progress. So as long as you don't see yourself going anywhere for a good six hours (includes 4 hours of rising time, roughly an hour for baking, at least a half hour actually touching and making the dough, and a half hour to let it cool before storing it so that it doesn't get stale) you are golden. This is another one of those.

Things I want to figure out:

Where to buy BULK FLOUR that is similar in every way to what I am currently using. I have found that I really like King Arthur's White Whole Wheat flour, but my grocery store only carries the regular sized bags. I'm going to be going through a lot of flour.
How to cut attractive slits in the top of the loaves before they are popped into the oven to bake... without collapsing them in anyway. Its so anticlimactic.

I feel like I won the lottery. That mega-millions one that is up to $335 million or whatever the newspaper said. Yep. I'm pretty much awesome... tonight at least.

Thoughts on Patience and Cheese

2010-12-29T14:10:00.000-05:00

Flipping through books at the bookstore last night was awfully relaxing. Ryan made a cheese press for me for Christmas because we've both been talking about how eventually we'd like to make cheese... just to try it. I grabbed a book about cheese making (specifically Home Cheese Making by Ricki Carroll) and paged through it while sipping a chai from one last gift card. I just put a hold on it from the library, and have a sneaky suspicion that a copy going to end up as part of our permanent library when we get serious about starting. Its detailed. It has pictures. Exactly what I need.

The book suggested starting with a soft cheese or mozzarella. Will do. We eat a ton of cheddar cheese and I'd like to make it eventually... but do you realize how long it takes to make? (Not farmhouse cheddar, but real cheddar) Two to six months. Months.

Over the past couple years my definition of convenience foods has drastically changed. I used to think that convenience foods were basically just eating fast food. I considered box meals, that you just add water and meat to, real food. When I made a frozen meal straight from the grocery store's freezer section, I was proud that I "cooked." Oh silly, silly Nancy. Taking the time to put into food, real food, takes patience. To go from browning meat and dumping in a box to actually making the basic ingredients is quite drastic. I never really knew that those versions weren't really that good for you. To do things right takes time. Taking the time requires patience among other things.

I know that not everyone can afford to put time into things because they are busy making those all important ends meet, and I can respect that. But as a stay at home mom, time is my currency. I don't get paid an actual wage. It feels like a direct contradiction to our culture. To some extent, it makes me feel out of touch with my generation. I don't feel superior because I can do these things, but it does make me feel satisfied. It makes me feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do even if people do not understand it. I feel like more actual people (as in people I see in real life as opposed to finding a flock of like-minded people on the internet) are on the bandwagon of cloth diapering, so I'm getting less "are you freakin' crazy? You are turning your back on the best things about living in this century!!" (which, btw, is a direct quote from a well-meaning individual) But I still get the crazy-eyes from people when I say that I want(ed: check) to learn how to can, butcher a chicken (check), make pasta (check), keep bees, milk a cow, buy raw milk (or more accurately; buy a share in a cow and then get milk from my own cow... I think that's the loophole people have found since buying raw milk is illegal) from the local dairy, etc. That's okay. I think crazy-eyes are entertaining. We can't always live in the internet world where you can find half a bajillion people that agree with you and make you feel like you're on the sanest side of the spectrum.

While flipping through this book I started thinking about what this year has made glaringly obvious I am lacking; patience. Sometimes it was a survival thing which could be considered a good thing, as in I knew what needed to be done and just bulldozed through to get everybody where we needed to be because in the end it was hands-down the best. Most of the time it was a negative thing, as in I "knew what should be done" (not acknowledging that it was more subjective) and didn't give anyone else an inch to deviate from what I thought was the best course of action. Sometimes it is easy to (wrongly) justify impatience with people that "just don't understand our schedule." Kids demand a certain schedule, preparation, etc... but people don't have to understand our schedule because we are not the center of everyone else's universe. I might not be able to say "yes, we can" more often, but maybe with a little more patience I'll be able to pass a little more graciously. I wish I was more patient with Ace. I'm not crazy-nutso impatient with her, but I'd still like to have a few less outbursts of "JUST DO IT BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TOO AND YOU HAVE TO OBEY. MOOOOOVE." I'd like to have there be longer gaps between having to apologize to her. I'd like to have her as an adult say, "Mom didn't yell that often." Yes, it's wishful thinking, but wouldn't it be nice?

I'm going to concentrate even more on slowing down in 2011. Slowing down so that when bumps come they aren't quite so jarring. Slowing down because I need to have the umph in me to be able to extend patience to others; those that will love and forgive me and those that I don't know from Adam but God still commands me to treat them with respect. Slowing down because I will have to with two active kids to chase and with an infant strapped to my body (or so is the current plan), clinging for dear life while waiting for his little needs to be met.

Slowing down. Yikes.

2010

2010-12-26T12:06:00.000-05:00

This has easily been the hardest, most stressful year of my life. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I didn't really believe that. I feel like we are dragging ourselves across the finish line of 2010 and we should be missing limbs... but we're not. We are missing some teeth... eh hem Ameira... and me. I almost forgive 2010 for its complete crappiness because Dad has survived his heart surgery. Almost.

I can look back and say that this year has royally sucked but don't think I've completely missed all the ways that God has blessed me this year.

I was able to feel love and support from my family and church when I physically couldn't take care of myself or my children... for the first two months of this year. Seriously, it humbled me in such a fantastic way and I'd never really known what it felt like to be so completely helpless as an adult. I can honestly say that I am thankful for the lessons.
My babies grew just a little bit more and stayed healthy enough, despite having a mother that checked out for a few months.
I was able to get my tonsils out and have had precisely two colds since and absolutely no bouts with strep or other throat ailment. That might not sound like much, but in hindsight, my tonsils should have been out in middle school since I would get strep at least 4-5 times a year--knocking me out for about a week each time. I'm grateful that it happened.
We were even able to take our annual camping trip to the national forest we love so much.
Moo's issues with her ears culminated in tubes... and even though she developed those freaky granulomas, her hearing was protected at such a critical point in speech development.
Ryan and I were brought to the lowest point I ever want us to get and we came back stronger with a foundation built more solidly on our Savior's grace, forgiveness, compassion, mercy, and unconditional love. I'm thankful for scripture. I'm thankful for our Savior. I'm thankful for godly counsel. I'm thankful for my husband's relationship with God that allowed him to help change the direction for our family. I'm thankful for my relationship with God that allowed me to help change the direction for our family. I wouldn't choose to have history repeat itself, but I can honestly say that I'm at a point where I think hitting that lowest of lows was the best thing that could have possibly happened to us. Refiner's fire.
I'm thankful for the opportunity to get to know a couple people a little better throughout the year. Particularly Betsy and Rachel. To have the opportunity to related and connect with such amazing woman is a blessing. What would we do without our girlfriends?
I'm thankful for Julie... only because I know she's reading this. Just kidding. I'm thankful to have another girlfriend that knows me so freaking well that I don't have to pretend to have all my loose ends tied up nice and neat. I can be damaged, I can be weak, I can be incredibly ridiculous and I still know that she loves me and doesn't judge me... and she'll tell me to suck it up when I need it. That is a real friend.
I'm thankful that my little Moo is turning out to be such a sweetie. I'm thankful my girls play together so well. I'm thankful that right at this instant, Aayla is "fixing Ameira's belly" with a toy and Ameira is smacking her in the head (innocently) with a maraca while Aayla yells at her to "cuts it out, Moo." ...and now they are laughing at each other. They bless my heart everyday. Sometimes they drive me nuts, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I'm thankful for my husband's job. I'm thankful for the security it offers us during this whole economic crisis. I'm thankful for the medical insurance that it has provided us even this year alone. I'm thankful he has something that he loves to do. Even though some days are hard and he deals with a lot of crap, he misses it when he is gone and he genuinely enjoys his job.
I'm thankful for this little life inside of me. I'm thankful that it's a boy. And, yes, sometimes I still think, holy crap, it's a BOY?!?! I'm thankful that we told everyone and that we call him by name. Aayla already has a one-sided relationship with him and she loves him so completely. She comes up with random nicknames for him; like Ashie. We will not allow Ashie because it sounds like Ashley, but there will be plenty of time to correct that one.
I'm thankful for a doctor named Dr. Dwayne Cook. He is my dad's primary care physician and he also goes to our church. He saved my Dad's life by insisting there was a bigger problem with my dad's heart that the specialist wasn't realizing. I'm thankful that my dad will be the one to break the chain of his dad, grandpa & g-grandpa dying of heart attacks, etc. I'm thankful that my dad didn't have to have a heart attack in order to find out there was a problem with his heart. I'm thankful it played out like it did. I'm thankful that he was able to have his heart repaired, which we are told will mean that his valve will last for the rest of his life, and not replaced with a pig valve which would have lasted 10-15 years. I'm thankful for my sisters, my mom, my brothers-in-law, and my own husband and the way that we all have a relationship with the Lord. I'm thankful for the surgeon who did Dad's surgery. I'm thankful for the way that my dad came through it all. I'm thankful that even though there were a couple close moments in the night, when it was just Dad and the hospital staff, that he was able to pull through... and that we only knew afterward.

I'm just thankful. But I still reserve the right to say, Adios, 2010, don't let the door hit you on the way out! :)

Wouldn't Change a Thing. I think.

2010-12-15T22:37:00.000-05:00

Ry has had tickets planned to go home and visit a childhood friend since the week before Thanksgiving. The week of Thanksgiving is when we found out that they'd have to do surgery on my dad. I told Ry that I didn't want him to cancel his tickets to WA because then it would be harder to pretend that everything was going to be fine. For some reason I feel like if I'd have asked him to stay then it would be like asking him to stay because I knew that things would turn out poorly for my dad. So far, I do not regret my decision. Yes, it would have been nice to worry out loud to him and have him give me a few extra hugs and reassurance that God is in control. But really? The surgery is tomorrow morning. Having him here wouldn't have changed that. He left yesterday. He'd have been working anyway... or sleeping. So it doesn't really make a difference. My stomach would still be this clenched if he was here, I'm afraid. At least this way I know that he gets to be out there and relax, get great rest, and catch up with his friends and family without me tagging along and complicating things.

Last night my little Miss Moo had a terrible night. I literally did not sleep until 7am. We spent the night at my parent's house. Moo woke roughly every 20 minutes. It takes me FOREVER to fall asleep; especially when I'm trying not to worry. At 5:20 or something like that, I got upset because Moo and I were awake and then Ace woke up from a dream that she had peed the bed. She HADN'T peed the bed, but she was sobbing like she had. I packed up the girls and drove us all home. I fed the girls breakfast, changed Moo's diaper and took Ace to the bathroom. I gave them both milk and sent them to bed. They slept basically two hours and therefore so did I. I'm strangely fine today. I am also fully aware that tomorrow will be the day that it catches up to me. I'm thankful the girls will be with a sitter tomorrow for most of the day so that I can sit and crochet in the hospital waiting room.

I find myself letting out these huge sighs. Not because I'm trying to make a statement, but because I feel like it lets out stress.

God is good. I will wait.

Through the Valley

2010-12-13T11:54:00.000-05:00

I like to avoid stress. Its not because I don't want to talk about it with you; I just don't want to talk about it with myself. As much as I talk about it with myself is how much I'll talk about it with anyone around me. My dad is going in for a heart valve replacement, a triple bypass, and a stent. I think its a little more serious than I originally thought. I'm okay when I'm distracted (by, lets say, a two-year-old). I'm beside myself with worry when I'm not distracted. Verses keep popping into my head like the one that Ace memorized this summer during VBS "The Lord is good. A refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7. And 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you." And Psalm 46:10 "Be still (be weak, surrender) and know that I am God." My meditation for the last few days has been, "Its not time to worry, its just time to wait." If there really is a time for everything like God tells us in Ecclesiastes, then I can remind myself to backup and not mourn him just yet. He isn't gone. Its not time to worry. I'm supposed to be walking in faith. I'm supposed to be walking in obedience. I'm supposed to still my heart, worry, fears and know that God is a good God, take comfort in the fact that it will be as He has planned, and wait. Wait for the surgery on Thursday. Wait for the doctors to start the operation. Wait for news in the waiting room with my sisters and mom. Wait to see him. Wait for him to recover.

He doesn't promise that I will get the outcome that I want--my dad to come through surgery perfectly and live to see my last baby and preferably my babies have their babies. He does promise that He will care for me and that ultimately He will bring Himself glory--which should be what I want too.

Lord, prepare my heart to accept your will no matter what it is.

Another reason why 2010 has royally sucked.

Dear Sandwich Bread; I hate you.

2010-12-07T12:02:00.000-05:00

I cannot make a loaf of regular ol' sandwich bread to save my life. I have declared war on sandwich bread in the past, but feel a resolve to do so again. That or sit and whine about it. Its strange that it just isn't an option to say, ah, I'll just make something else. I don't want to buy a loaf of good, whole-wheat, real ingredients sandwich bread for $2.75 on sale or $3.25 regular price when I can make one so stinkin' cheap. I'm home anyway, its just a matter of getting into the habit of making it weekly. Oh yea, and there is the small matter being able to do it. Batty. I'm going batty.

So here is my experience so far: The yeast activates. The dough rises well-ish the first time. It doesn't quite double in size, but it rises a significant amount. Even if I leave it for double the length of time and stare at it the majority of the time to make sure its not just collapsing, it just doesn't get to be doubled in size. I usually call it good, punch it down according to the directions, and set it up to rise again. And it rises just a little more; not much. Its kind of frustrating. Then I realize its not going to turn out, but I figure I've come THIS far and I need SOMETHING to make sandwiches with so I'm going to finish it out. I divide it into the loaf pans, according to the directions, and let it rise in the pans. It never rises above the rim of the pan. It just shouldn't be like that. Normally I'm not too picky about my measurements and following a recipe obsessively. However, after the first two didn't turn out, I'm following the recipes to the letter. I even have figured out how much one cup of flour is supposed to weigh and have busted out my kitchen scale. Just to be sure that it turns out. Blegh.

If I can just get this loaf figured out, then I would like to tackle a from scratch, trapping wild yeast method, sour dough starter. It would be awesome to be able to make our own English muffins. I've quit buying them because I can't justify the couple bucks for them. I realize that its not much money, but its the principle of it. If I can make it, I will. But seriously, why do I think I can trap wild yeast and make an amazing loaf of bread from it if I can't even barely squeak out a basic sandwich loaf?

She's got skillllllls, they're multiplying...

2010-11-23T00:59:00.000-05:00

::Sigh:: I've spent less time on the computer lately because I've had the energy to get up and move around and therefore less time for posting blog updates. Ry went hunting to WY at the beginning of October. Moo had her birthday at the end of October and we celebrated at the local aquatic center (with a pretty cool pool). I'm back on track with my regular life, it feels. Slow and steady. Just the way I like it.

Ryan and I went out last Saturday and sat at the bookstore together because it was cheap and we both enjoy it. He grabbed a cabin making book like he always does and we started to discuss more about our dream. I confessed that sometimes it feels like we're "doomed" to be at our house forever. He helped me realize a couple things; I feel like that because I'm no longer in charge of the budget (HALLELUJAH) and don't see our savings getting bigger and secondly it really will happen. I feel a new burst of, "Yes it IS possible" and therefore feel inspired to keep going with my quest to learn a bunch of skills to help us live a more simple life.

I'd like to get us to a place where we are saving money on our grocery budget but we're not compromising on the quality of the food. I'd like to do as little processed/convenience food as possible. After doing the CSA this summer it was very, very (and multiply that by a hundred) apparent that its not enough to garden and get local produce. Its not going to save you a single penny if you don't know how to use it. Ry mentioned that he was still waiting to see where the savings was going to start kicking in for all the extra stuff we did this summer. Maybe its just a satisfaction thing, I don't know. Or... maybe I would have spent double and instead, because we did the farm thing, I was able to stay right in budget (or maybe a little over).

My goal this winter is to concentrate on the food aspect of our lives. I'd like to stock up some homemade goodies so that when I hit fat-and-pregnant-whale-can't-move stage we'll have good meals tucked away and be familiar enough with some other staples that its not considered work to do them. I plan to find recipes that we'd actually eat and then store them in my recipe program for next year. I'm realizing that my food goals are falling under the label of wholefoods. Searching for "whole foods cookbooks" or "homestead cookbook" or even "farm to table cookbook" at the library brings back a lot more options that I actually like and would use. I've picked over 3 cookbooks and entered in all the recipes I see us actually eating. I'd say my collection is on its way.

I'm also going to wait and see if I get the pasta machine for Christmas, if not I'm going to have to spring for it myself... because I want it THAT BAD. I borrowed my sister's electric one and holy crap it was amazing. I think I'm going to stick more closely with who we'd like to be eventually and go for the non-electric one... but I anticipate being able to make just as awesome pasta with it. That and a tortilla press. That's what I really want. I am trying to stay away from gadgets, but without these two I don't think I can commit to putting the effort into rolling out either of the doughs to have it actually make a dent in our food bill. I can however live without the yogurt maker... I made my first batch tonight and I am shocked at how easy it was. Tomorrow I'm going to set aside a starter for the next batch and then experiment with flavoring it. Do you know what equipment I used? A saucepan and Ryan's thermos that he used to take to his security job. RIDICULOUS. I mixed some today with strawberry jelly and both the girls ate a TON of it. I also made my first batch of homemade crackers. I'm not too pleased with it because I couldn't get the dough thin enough for my preference. I read that someone rolls their cracker dough out with their pasta machine which only made me want a pasta machine even more. I hate feeling the wanty-wants around Christmas time. It makes me feel greedy and superficial. Oh well.

So that's what the not-consumed-with-children portion of my brain has been thinking about lately. The totally-consumed-with-children portion of my brain has been trying to reign in my impatience and subsequent adult temper tantrums that seem to very promptly follow a certain two-year-old's struggle with obedience. She's a good kid but MAN I have been convicted regarding impatience toward her. What you are at home is what you really are. Its easy to pretend to have it all together while out in public... but does that really matter when the little person who is forming her thoughts, behaviors, and standards by mimicking my behavior can see through the facade? I pray that she will see my imperfection and be able to connect it to my necessary, sincere, and sadly frequent apologies.

I Miss My Best Friend

2010-11-23T00:11:00.000-05:00

this has been drafted for about a month and a half and I've decided to just post these. So they might all appear on today's date.

Ry is hunting. In Wyoming for antelope. It is easy to not resent him for it this time because I feel like he is fully aware that by "letting him go" I take on more responsibility and I'm doing it because I love him and not because I am just trying to not make waves. In the past it has been a source of contention because I would be "fine" with "letting him go" but the second it became hard I would line up all my reasons why I fell into the class of Martyr. That would in turn make him miserable. Which would then make me more miserable. Etc. Etc.Classy wife, huh? Easy to live with, huh? Yea, I feel like an idiot.

Anyway, so here is the beginning of my "Things that make me miss and appreciate Ryan."

He makes the bed every single day not because he cares but because he knows that at the end of a long day, I love to crawl into a bed that is neatly made.
He takes the trash out before I even realize it needs to be done. I will sometimes put the trash on the back porch because it stinks and it still has room (and I'm so darn cheap I don't want to waste space in the bag). But MAGICALLY it just empties itself into the dumpster. Weird, right?
He hugs me just about every time he passes me; touch is his love language. Touch may not be my primary love language, but man I miss his hugs and its only been three days. (well, 2.5)
He talks. And listens.

What? It's True.

2010-11-23T00:09:00.000-05:00

this has been drafted for about a month and a half and I've decided to just post these. So they might all appear on today's date.

Things I'm relearning about my relationship with God through the process of parenting a 2-year-old:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
You ever try and yell at a two-year-old to get them to comply? I like to think I'm totally justified in doing it, but I'm not. For some reason I'm still not justified losing my temper after saying PICK UP YOUR TOYS for the thirtieth time. Talking really loud is the equivalent of yelling around here. When I do it, Aayla cries. Then she screams. Then she sits and starts kicking her feet around and screaming louder. Then I get pissed and start screaming even louder. I threaten her with a time-out and then since she is throwing a fit I threaten a spanking. (usually following through on both). I like to think that its just her disobedient heart that is coming into play but its not; it's mine too. Take the same situation and redo it. When I purpose in my heart (Daniel 1:8) to put off the harsh words and put on the gentle words I get a quicker response, a happier response, and a little heart that says, "does it make God so happy when I obey?" Is my goal to have an obedient kid? It most certainly is a goal, but it shouldn't be my first priority. My first priority should be laying these building blocks so that some day she may come to know the Lord as her personal Savior without the baggage of trying to please men (Prov 29:25). Obedience will come if my motives are correct.

Galatians 6:1 Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.

2010-09-16T12:41:00.001-04:00

In Christ Alone

2010-09-14T22:45:00.000-04:00

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

You See Me Rollin'

2010-09-02T16:48:00.000-04:00

Hearts heal. That's good. We're on the right track again. That's even better. One foot in front of the other. Step, step, step in obedience. Memorizing scripture to help correct our paths daily instead of waiting until we've gone off the road... and ya know, off the side of a cliff... and over a couple trees... and sinking in the water. We'll be fine, folks. Nothin' to see here. We be rollin' again.

To bad my house and garden chores were bleeding and gasping for air during the process. Nothin' like inviting your mother-in-law over to stay for a week to give ya a little hup, hup and get things moving a little faster. Especially when she volunteers to (I think happily?) wash a MOUNTAIN of laundry. No lie. I think I did about seven loads before she got here and I'm pretty sure the pile was up to my chest and about 3 feet square at the base. She said she wanted to and she said she didn't mind... I decided that if she meant it GREAT. If she didn't mean it, then it'd be a good lesson that she shouldn't offer. Just kidding. She is such a big help and I really feel like the week she was here was my very own vacation. Lowest maintenance house guest ever.

The garden is basically toast, but eh, it's okay. Ryan didn't see anything still growing so he gave the chicken free reign to the garden. Darn those chickens. Going to have to dig up the carrots and pretend its a game of hide and seek.

So we are going to attempt root-cellaring without a root cellar. Ryan made a mesh bag for the onions. He's making a big crate for potatoes, which have to be dug up on Saturday (since I already pulled off the dead vines). We've secured a box for carrots and I need to go get a $5 bag of sawdust from the feed mill (that my MIL hunted down for us). Mom helped me can 7 quarts of peaches while she was here and I went crazy and did another NINETEEN. I was intending to do 14, but we got a few extra jars out of this batch because I was more successful at keeping Aayla out of them while they were softening up. Planning on picking up some Gala apples to pair with my Paula Reds (which, were discovered/named in my hometown of Sparta, MI) for applesauce. I don't know how much it'll make but its a whole bushel all together. We'll see how it goes.

Little by little we're getting back on track. It's getting easier to concentrate on other things than just survival. God is so good, isn't He? Trials are so much easier to bear when you can lean on Him and trust that He will take care of your needs... maybe not necessarily your wants (all the time)... but most certainly your needs.

Dates Never Turn Out Quite Right

2010-08-13T17:52:00.003-04:00

Date night with Ryan. We went up to Muskegon Lake on the sailboat. This is Ry rowing us out to the mooring... and this is me swimming after the row boat because apparently I don't know how to tie a know to save my life.

Ry was working on getting the boat going and I hooked the loop onto the mooring and went to sit on my butt. A few minutes later Ryan pointed at the row boat and said, "hey!" I thought, what? Its the rowboat? We rowed that out here, remember?? OH WAIT! I didn't have my suit on yet, so I had to do a Clark Kent change and jump in. I don't really swim all that well. I can tread, doggy paddle, and float on my back. Need to work on that.

Coast Guard Festival

2010-08-13T17:46:00.004-04:00

Curly Top

2010-08-13T17:33:00.003-04:00

Invested in some pretty snazzy sponge rollers. Took some convincing, but she finally wanted them. So cute, right?

BUT... Party in the front, business in the back.
She wanted them out before her hair was completely dry, therefore the back didn't set. Understandable since she is TWO. However, she wouldn't let me touch her and would scream bloody-murder-like saying, "DON'T TOUCH IT!!! I WANT CURLY HAIR!!" I was laughing too hard to address the screaming commands coming out of her mouth and just left her alone. This was just an experiment anyway and we don't have anywhere to be tonight.

The best part of having kids, is hanging around them. LOVE her.

To Give You A Future and a Hope

2010-08-05T10:26:00.000-04:00

This quite possibly has been the hardest few weeks of my life; hands down harder than all four months of sickness we dealt with after Ameira was born. I really want to be left alone for a while and not have to find new ways to stretch and grow, but at the same time... God's grace is amazing. We are moving on stronger and in a better place spiritually. I'm excited to see what happens with our family going forward. Praise the Lord for he is good. Always. Ryan brought up the verse that we so often memorize;

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans that I have for you declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

Great! But that doesn't mean we get to just sit there and say, God will take care of me. The very next verses say

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.

Search. Actively search with ALL YOUR HEART. He still sent the Israelites into exile because of disobedience... and then he brought them out according to His plan.

Right Heart

2010-08-02T10:13:00.000-04:00

A right heart will produce right thoughts which will produce right actions. What if my heart isn't right? I know what is right and what I should be doing. I know how I don't want to be acting. Actions done without a right heart are worthless to God, but sometimes you still have to do the right actions. Having the wrong actions will hurt everyone around me.

So if I have the right actions, half-right-half-wrong thinking, and the wrong heart... will that get me by until my thoughts can fully realign themselves with God's word and my heart can get back to where its supposed to be?

I have forgiven. I have let go of the bitterness. However, there is still broken trust and there is still a sadness for the sin and for the consequences. Time, prayer, mercy and grace. The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him. Nahum 1:7

Ask [for Instruction on How to React] and You Will Recieve.

2010-07-26T19:10:00.000-04:00

Parts of Ephesians 3, 4 & 5....For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
As a prisoner for the Lord, then I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. .... In your anger do not sin.... Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God..... For you were once darkness but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light...

What should I be doing? How should I behave when trials come? I should be completely humble. Completely gentle. I should be patient. I should be bearing with everyone in love. I should be jumping hurdles to keep the unity through the bond of peace. There is no room for selfishness here. I can be angry, but need to keep from sinning. Its not a sin to be angry; but being angry so easily lends itself to sinning. Even if I'm angry it is not okay to run my mouth saying all the things that would feel so good (temporarily) to say. It's not okay to be bitter. Its not okay to have my heart stuck in fight mode. Be kind. Be compassionate. Imitate my God. Don't grieve the Holy Spirit. I am not a slave to my sin or anyone else's sin. I am a willing and happy slave to my Father. I have the freedom to choose to live as what I am; a child of the light.

He has shown you, oh man, what is good. And what does the Lord requires of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

My reaction may not be normal. It may not seem right to someone that doesn't intimately know the desire to ultimately please God (even if it would feel so good (but only in the temporary) to disobey real quick and ask forgiveness later). At the end of the day I am a child of God and that is my salvation. That is how I will sleep at night. That is how I can escape what the world tells me I must do in this situation. I will forgive and I will walk humbly with my God, even if my heart is broken. I will live a life of love.

Abba Father.

2010-07-23T21:26:00.000-04:00

I am broken. I am bitter. I am disillusioned. I am angry. I am sad. I am so many, many things.

But.

I am hopeful.

I believe that the same God that parted the red sea, turned a stick into a snake, lit a bush on fire yet didn't let it burn, gave a barren woman a child that became a nation, created dinosaurs, and walked on water because he made it also cares for me.

If He can paint a spectacular sunset and sunrise every day from the beginning to the end of time he can paint a masterpiece from my life. He can take what is broken and repurpose it into something that is needed, loved, and cherished.

Great is His faithfulness.

It Happens.

2010-07-21T19:48:00.000-04:00

...and then life happens. And everything you thought you knew you realize you don't. Dreams realign. Priorities shift. The things that had been all-consuming turn out to be trivial. Things you never really expected to think about become the new obsession. Suddenly, someone else's life becomes yours. You know you'll be okay, but you'd rather just get to the good part.

CSA & State of the Garden: July 14

2010-07-14T19:34:00.000-04:00

Monday was the first day of our CSA (what is a CSA?). It was open from 2pm until 7pm and it worked out for me to go by myself while the girls napped and Ryan started his long process of waking. We signed up for a whole share which was two bags of produce. Each bag contained 2 cucumbers, 1 zucchini, 1 summer squash, 2 big handfuls of kale, 1 of what I think is patty pan squash, about a pound of a mix of green beans and a yellow bean with purple seeds. I haven't figured out the variety yet though.

Standing in line to get the weekly produce they had this gigantic TURKEY. (picture stolen from the Peach Ridge Farms' facebook photo album) I have never stood that close to a turkey in my life and couldn't help feeling a mix of curiosity and fear. I tried not to run away because there was a little girl around four that wasn't running away. If she wasn't going to be a baby then neither was I. (but if she would have so much as stepped behind her mom I would have called Uncle.) So bizarre. And that weird little hairy tassle that hangs down in front... what the heck is that all about?? Turkeys are curiously ugly things.

So, besides getting the CSA food we are starting to haul in the booty from our garden. The cucumbers are starting to set little tiny cucumbers. Two days ago I spied our very first bean that was big enough to harvest. Looking a little harder turned up about a pound of tender, perfect green bush beans. I harvested again today and got another pound. This pound was snapped, blanched, weighed (13 oz), and put in the freezer.

The asparagus is still feathering out but we're getting thicker and thicker new shoots coming in. Its really hard not to harvest them, but I'm learning that patience is everything with gardening.

We are supposed to be letting the strawberries develop their roots but we decided that we would let two of the plants flower at will... and that means sneaking some fruit. Ryan came in with our first red strawberry today. Just the two plants alone have about 20 fruits on them. I can help but feel excited. The roots will catch up, I'm sure. What did I say about patience? Nothing. Just look at it. It was so incredibly juicy and a lot sweeter than the strawberries I picked earlier in June at the strawberry farm.

In other less visual news, the first bunch of corn should be ready to pick in about 6 days. We're getting about two ears on each stalk in the first couple rows. We bought some corn to use with the CSA food this week. We'll see if we have to buy it again. Hopefully not. It is so satisfying to grow your own food.

And just for the fun of it, here are some pictures of my little rascals. Ameira is dirty from the meal. Instead of cleaning her up I decided to catch her funny expressions first. Don't judge.

Chasing Auntie Cass who was trying to talk on the phone.

I Love Cooking for People When I Have the Time.

2010-07-14T14:01:00.000-04:00

A cynical person might say that cooking like this--with ambition--is really just another way of showing off, a form of what might be called conspicuous production. It says, I have the resources, sophistication, and leisure time to dazzle you with this meal. No doubt there's often an elements of truth to this, but cooking is many other things too, and one of them is a way to honor the group of people you have elected to call your guests.

Another thing cooking is, or can be, is a way to honor the things we're eating, the animals and plants and fungi that have been sacrificed to gratify our needs and desires, as well as the places and the people that produced them.

--Michael Pollan, The Omnivore's Dilemma

Pass Me the Ribeye, Please. Medium Rare.

2010-07-13T20:00:00.000-04:00

I'm reading through Michael Pollan's Omnivore's Dilemma. I recommend it, obviously, but I'd like to comment on a part of it. It's given me a lot to think about (shocking, huh?). The book follows three different types of eating; industrial, organic (which splits into industrial organic and "beyond organic" or pastoral), and hunter/gatherer type eating.

Right now I'm at a spot where Pollan (who is for meat-eating) is discussing the arguments both for and against eating meat. This is not a discussion that I feel the need to be a part of. God said I could eat meat. Post-Fall, yes, but even so He said that meat was now fair game. Murder was post-fall too but it was also condemned as a sin. Meat was never put in the category of sin, therefore I don't feel the need to even question it. I do however question what meat to eat.

Another reason I would never become a vegetarian, as quoted from Pollan's book pg 314;

"Other people now have to accommodate me, and I find this uncomfortable: My new dietary restrictions throw a big wrench into the basic host-guest relationship. As a guest, if I neglect to tell my host in advance that I don't eat meat, she feels bad, and if I do tell her, she'll make something special for me, in which case, I'll feel bad. On this matter I'm inclined to agree with the French, who gaze upon any personal dietary prohibition as bad manners."

I get why vegetarians have to ask for special dishes. You can't declare yourself a vegetarian but eat meat sometimes. I also never thought about the fact that when you give up meat and you sneak it just once you most likely will get sick. Its a commitment. I just couldn't ever ask that of everyone around me. Its awkward sometimes and I'm pretty sure that my vegetarian sister would agree.

That mentality isn't just for vegetarians, either. I've asked to be accommodated for too long as a picky eater. Being a picky eater is just plain rude and our society doesn't look at the two eating exceptions (vegetarian and picky eating) the same nor should they. I'm getting better. Some things I still can't stomach? Shrimp with feet still attached, sushi, raw meat of any kind, tuna, lobster/crab and coleslaw. However if any of them are served (by anyone other than my mother) and I can not politely decline, I will do my very best to gulp it down as fast as possible. For some strange reason I still feel entitled to turn up my nose at it if my mother cooks it. I should really quit that.

Speaking of picky eaters, we are on hour 3 of DINNER BATTLE WITH AAYLA. Multiple twenty minute segments of "eat your food before the red runs out" (the red on her visual clock) that has ended in a timeout, timeout, no millenium park, no Grandma's house, no ice cream store, spank, spank, and timeout in bed. She just fell asleep in bed while waiting for the next round of twenty minutes to eat her food. At 8:30 she goes to bed no matter what. If she is still battling, she will go to bed hungry and we'll have shrimp (without feet), pasta & veggies for breakfast... or at least she will. I liked mine and gobbled it down. I'm such a mean mom.

Maybe tomorrow I will update on picking up our first CSA box yesteray and how completely awesome the whole experience was. I feel very confident that this was the best decision for us at this time. And... I met the craziest, freakiest turkey that made me want to run away and yet pet him at the same time. I also found a grass-fed (cow? beef?) quarter that sells for a whole $1.50 cheaper than I have found elsewhere. Bonus is that the farmer is my friend's grandpa.

Where I Yammer On and On Once Again About my Current Obsession: Food

2010-07-03T22:39:00.000-04:00

I have a hunch that most people's introspection and subsequent personal food revolution begins with buying organic produce. Odd. Mine began with trying to recondition my brain to stop thinking that low-fat meant healthy and to stay out of the middle aisles at the grocery store... all because, you guessed it, I read a book. This book was from Ryan's parents called the Schwarzbein Principle. I do believe it was actually my very first food book.

I have to admit that I wouldn't be too shocked if that (the no low-fat and stay out of the middle aisles) wasn't even one of her main or even major points of the book... I have been known to remember some rather strange side facts of things. For example, my parents took my sisters and I up and down the east coast when I was seven (maybe? quite possibly younger) and did all kinds of major fancy pants tours (Statue of Liberty, Vanderbilts, etc)... all I remember is my Great Aunt throwing her dog a birthday party, a stranger offering me a mustard pretzel on what I know realize was a ferry boat, and playing flutter ponies in her bathroom. I was a strange child. So anyway... my food revolution.

The more I learn the more I realize I have to learn. At first Ryan and I talked about getting a little place somewhere in the woods and making it a self-sufficient home--think energy-wise, off the grid type thing. And of course, there hasn't been a VanderJagt yet that has done anything small... so I thought, well hmm, if we're going to live off the grid we should probably be able to provide our own food. Which then made me ask what kind of food we should be providing for ourselves... a vegetable garden is one thing, but what about meat? milk? fruit? breads? fats/oils? Sugars? That is all sending me down this gigantic black hole trying to figure out how to make the best choices for my family. Answers have come: Meat should be grass-fed meat as natural as possible. Milk should be as natural as possible; organic raw. Produce should be as natural as possible; homegrown... or from a CSA/farm market (to support local farmers that have great growing practices). Breads should be whole grains (like white whole wheat or whole wheat). I think I have some of the major umbrella categories nailed down. Still figuring out the fats/oils and sugars thing. I hopefully won't die clutching my beloved Cherry Coke. Hopefully that will eventually be a thing of the past.

All of this... yet I think its rather amusing that I haven't felt the urge to know about or buy anything from the supermarket that is organic. I think its because buying organic is not my end goal. My end goal is to either grow it or buy it from a farmer (which I don't associate with anything but organic)... and then put it up for the winter. A friend was talking about the "Dirty Dozen" fruits and vegetables that you really should buy as organic because of how many pesticides are in each serving. (really, its shocking.) I just had to shake my head because it was the first I'd ever heard of it. I'm not sure why (and I know its not fair) but I assume that buying organic is on a certain level of crazy. Funny... I am signing up for raw milk this week and picking up my first ever tub of LARD. That is not crazy to me; someone buying organic is. Lets all chuckle at Nancy's logic. I should probably cut that out.

Speaking of raw milk and lard. The farm is literally about ten minutes from my house. I do believe that is rare for someone who is actually interested in raw milk to be in such close proximity to the raw milk farm. They are certified organic and when I was given the tour around she offered me a free half gallon to take home and have Ryan try. I was a little nervous about being that close to raw milk and actually drinking it in front of her and in the process possibly making a weird face...and therefore probably said something embarrassing to her. I sometimes make myself rather awkward for no good reason. I had put "find a good source (non-hydrogenated) for lard" on my list so thought I'd ask her if they sold any. So when I go back on Wednesday I'm going to come back with both our first glass bottle of milk AND some lard. Seriously, before you freak out that we're all going to die of heart failure, do a little research (even some quick browsing through google on "benefits of natural fats"). THEN we'll talk.

What would a rant from Nancy be without a plethora of disclaimers? I want to make good choices, but I also don't want people to feel intimidated if they offer my kid a snicker bar. (Psh, or me! Pass that snicker bar over here!) Balance. I hope Aayla doesn't grow up to only offer her family processed foods because she is swinging so far left because I swung so far right. Everything in moderation, even in deciding to make better choices. (wow, that is not applicable across the board though.)

And just so you all understand: gardening is part of the broader food topic for me. The food topic is part of the broader topic of self-sufficient living. Self-sufficient living is part of "living with Ryan happily ever after." So I know that it may seem that I'm obsessed with different things and then move on to something else, but really, its all with a goal in mind; bliss with my love.

The Adventures and Misadventures of Us

2010-07-03T10:35:00.000-04:00

So... Ameira doesn't have her top front tooth anymore. She's 8 months old. Yesterday I heard this non-alarming cry that seems like she was hurt, so I hurried to check it out... but not a "priority one" kind of hurry. I saw her laying on her back and put two and two together. She had been standing at the coffee table a second before... and now she was laying on the floor right next to the coffee table. My assumption was she fell. (Genius right?) I went to pick her up and noticed she had something white in her mouth, assumed it was a paper, fished it out... and HolyCrapThatIsNotPaperWhatTheCrapIsThat??? I had to do a couple double-takes because it was her little tooth, root and all. I assume she bumped it on her fall. Not much blood, after I picked her up she stopped crying and began smiling. I'm really good at staying calm... until I'm no longer the person in charge. I brought her into Ryan, handed her off, told him rather quickly what happened, told him to fix her, and then proceeded to sit on our couch to calmly cry hysterically and hyperventilate. After a minute of his "gentle urgings" to get it together I picked up the phone and called her pediatrician. She doesn't have a dentist because she barely has teeth, so I didn't know what to do. The receptionist said to put it in milk and she'd go ask the doctor. When she came back she said to call our dentist, and then she did that disbelieving almost laugh sound and said, "holy cow." I was with her. Geez.

Who knocks out their tooth by the root?!? AND... doesn't seem to care?!? What. The. Heck. I've always known that Ameira was a tough cookie, but geez.

Dentist said that she's fine and that most likely her adult teeth "buds" are so far up that it won't make a difference. She probably wasn't in pain because her bones are so soft right now. She'll just have a little gap there for a while. I honestly don't think that is a big deal. I have a couple best friends growing up that didn't have their front teeth. Granted, it was both of their front top teeth... but I didn't for a second consider that it would make her weird. Almost everyone that we tell comments that its a shame. I can understand that a little, but its not like she's going to be applying for jobs with a big front gap. I have a hunch its going to be adorable and go right along with her endearing personality. If she already looked like she'd been hit by the ugly stick, I'd be sad (maybe for more reasons than just her tooth)... but she's got a lot going for her that I'm confident that it will be cute.

Now we really need that farm to go with Ameira's missing tooth.

Figuring it All Out.

2010-06-28T17:17:00.000-04:00

Man, its hard to sort out what is healthy and what is not. I feel like I just keep getting deeper and deeper into this whole 'what to eat' issue. I just asked a simple question and set out to answer it by reading a book or two (...or, ya know, like twenty. Whatever.) I mean, I've grown up hearing all about how we should switch to low-fat things, eat margarine, count your calories (but I have yet to ever actually do this) and buy all the pasteurized, homogenized, low-fat, low-cholesterol, low-sugar new versions that tout "healthy" on the label. It is so freaking confusing to me.

Now its coming out that all the science and technology isn't actually making better alternatives. At least that is what I've been reading lately. I think we're supposed to stay away from the soy-bean products that are so prevalent on the shelves. I was really confused especially since a few months ago I realized that our "vegetable oil" is nothing but soybean oil. hmm. I feel like such a novice trying to make good choices... but not get swept away by extremism. But... what is extreme? We used to listen in horror to my mom telling us that Grandpa used to eat lard sandwiches. There is a whole movement out there that swears that lard is a healthier choice to use as safer fat for frying/etc because it is a natural fat. I have to admit that I picture myself screaming and running when I think about actually using it in my house. (Yes, I know that I don't have to... but I have a container of Crisco that I use occasionally for pie crusts and every time I do I stare at the tub for about ten minutes thinking, seriously? Isn't there a better option? It just seems wrong and I honestly couldn't begin to tell you WHY except that Crisco (and frosting in general) was ruined for me as I helped make the frosting for my wedding cake...) I struggle with all this. I feel like all the things that I have in my house aren't really that safe to feed my family. Everyday its something else that I start to become suspicious about. I think its a good struggle that will eventually come out into something that makes me content. It's like the struggle that I had with my faith when I began to make it my faith instead of my parent's. Sometimes I just feel a little lost by finding the balance.

I totally accept that "raw" milk or rather milk as it should be (and has always been except for the last 100 years or so) is better than the grocery store kind. I totally accept that homemade food most often is superior to the convenient instant versions in the supermarket (and I accept that I will have to carve more time to make this possible). I accept that pastured chicken eggs are superior to grocery store eggs, grass-fed beef is better than feed lot beef, and on and on. It makes sense that food in its most natural (or historically prepared) form is best. It just makes sense. We didn't start to industrialize food until recently and I'm pretty sure it was (commendably) to make more food available to more people.

I know that a good philosophy for making life changes is putting off and putting on in general. Putting off the bad food but... you still have to eat so put on the good food. Sometimes I think that changing these well established eating habits and expectations would be easier if it was just me. I could just clear out my cupboard completey, starve for a week or so as I figure it out. Starving would probably light a fire for me to figure it out real fast. Okay, just kidding about that part... kind of. You really can't starve a two-year-old... or a big man that may or may not see a need for a change especially when the change requires spending less somewhere else.

I don't know. Its just a lot to process. Its a lot to digest (both of which are unintentional puns). Feeding a family is a big deal. Relearning better habits is a big deal. Nothing that can be accomplished overnight. I just really want to give my kids a healthy attitude about food so that they can make good choices and never have to worry about body image (which I'm aware will eventually happen at some point... just because we live in American and they will be human) or deal with health issues that could have been prevented by good nutrition.

Interesting, interesting.

Another Little Step Forward.

2010-06-25T13:52:00.000-04:00

I am very happy with our little garden. I spotted our first red raspberry sitting gingerly on it's cane yesterday. I fought the urge to pluck it and pop it in my mouth. I really, really struggle with patience. "Farming" is all about patience I'm learning. The potatoes are starting to flower, which I know I have already mentioned means that it is almost new potato season. The pole bean runners have slipped silently up to the top of their supports and will start flowering out any day now, I just know it. We have a ton of bell pepper flowers and one or two that are already becoming fruits. I've never harvested a single pepper, so this is a good sign. All the green tomatoes make my mouth water in anticipation.

I should be happy. I am happy. Do you know what gives me the urgency to keep going in this pursuit of more self-sufficiency? Books. I should really stop reading. They make it sound so simple and romantic. I want a beehive now. It will be a while; mostly because the setup costs money and there are things that I'd rather spend our money on (LIKE A NEW CAMERA). I read this book called Made from Scratch by Jenna Woginrich. Reading through some of the things that she labels as easy I become suspicious. However, I think I can do bees after reading her experience with the chickens. Chickens were and continue to be rather easy farm pets; easier than what I believe her experience was. If the hardest part about bees is the setup... I can do it. Commence researching beekeeping... or whatever the correct term is.

Current skills I'm trying to master...

Make a GOOD loaf of 100% (no white flour) Whole Wheat sandwich bread. (still failing miserably. I can make a killer 100% white loaf, no problem. Darn it.)
Make crackers.
Make granola.
Keeping learning guitar (I know, how is that self-sufficiency? Jenna Woginrich declares in her book that it is and I agree. Read the book.)
Grow my first fall harvest (ever) from seed.
Get through this harvest season and practice harvesting seeds (even though I can't keep them... practice right?)
Knit something. Anything except a darn scarf.

My next book to read is called Real Food by Nina Planck. Lets see what kind of raucous this will create in my life. My mom-in-law also sent me a little book called Trowel & Error by Sharon Lovejoy. I'm really enjoying all these "ah-HA! That's how they do it!!" moments. I used a couple of the hints to declare war on the emergence of Japanese Beetles on our raspberries.

Big Mac's on the Monkey Bars Should Wear Some Suspenders.

2010-06-24T21:05:00.001-04:00

Acey decided we should "go somewhere" tonight after Daddy went in for an overtime shift. I asked her if she wanted to take a walk, ride her bike, or ride in the bike trailer while I biked us somewhere. The destination was already set since I had some books on hold at the library that would be sent back if I didn't pick them up today. She said she wanted me to bike Ameira in the trailer and she would ride her trike. It was not a good idea for so many reasons; but that's not what I want to write about today.

We "biked" (or she biked and I walked my bike because going that slow is basically impossible) to the library with the adjoining park. I got my books and we headed to the park so she could burn some energy. There were about seven kids there including my own. Four of those kids were so over weight that their stomachs hung out from under their shirts, their feet looked like they were overpronating, and their butt cracks were hanging out. I've never given the whole "childhood obesity problem" of America much thought until now. We've been spending a lot of time at the local gravel-pit-turned-awesome-park/beach/splashpad and I can't help but notice all the kids (who I would peg for being under ten) that are more than just "baby fat."

It makes me really, really sad. It makes me want to try extra hard to feed Aayla vegetables. Having her help in the garden I think is starting to work. She really hasn't ever been a picky eater, but I think it still helps. As long as she knows what it is, she'll usually eat it. If she holds up her food with her nose turned up, I know that I just have to say, "Its a carrot and there is a pea... and there is a piece of chicken." She'll generally eat it.

Yes we still hit up McDonalds more than I care to admit, but its more the exception than the rule. She still announces every time we leave the grocery store that she needs a hamburger or chicken nuggets (just caught that instead of "nuggets" I wrote "nuts" hahaha now that's just funny. Good thing I read this through before I post)... or "bow-f of dem" because that is generally the time that I push her too far past naptime and WeJustNeedToGetHome HolyCRAP StopWhiningEatThis TheSecondWeAreHomeYouWillBeInBedWhew. Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

I know we're all not perfect parents, and I'm learning to be less judgmental about other people's choices. Just because a kid is fat doesn't mean that they have parents that are spoon feeding them soda and Big Macs. However, I'm starting to believe that maybe it really is a problem (duh) and maybe making deliberate steps to educate my kids really is a bigger deal than I assumed.

Its starts with me though. Darn it. Someday I'll give up pop or maybe even white sugar in general. Who knows. Hell might freeze over.

State of the Garden Address: June 19

2010-06-19T14:06:00.000-04:00

Current Plantings:

Potatoes: Starting to set some pretty little buds which tells me two wonderful, wonderful things: first the plants are healthy and second it is almost time to harvest some new potatoes. Can. not. hardly. wait.
Peas: twisting and twining their way up the garden fence. I've never grown peas before, so this a new experience and I don't really know what to expect.
Lettuce: the Black seeded simpson is giving us leaves. Its really not enough to make a salad with, but I've been putting them with our regular lettuce and pretending nonetheless. I'm not sure when the lettuce will end, but I kind of expected it to have ended already. Weird. I will most certainly grow lettuce again. I'm a little shocked at how easy it is and shocked that I've never considered trying before this year.
Carrots: Whelp... I was staggering the plantings so that we wouldn't have them all ready at once. Like I said yesterday we're going to have a few less carrots, thanks to Aayla. She just got the first two rows that would have been ready first. (oh my poor, poor, big, healthy, green, leafy, little buggers. oh well. 'tis life.) We are going to have a month (or a little less now) of carrots coming up a few at a time but I finished planting the rest of the area with a million and a half carrots to cut up for the freezer. I might experiment with storing them in sand... but we'll see. I know I can freeze them at least.
Bush Beans: getting bushier and bushier and holy cow there is a lot of them. I kept thinking they weren't growing but I realized a couple days ago that they have a lot more than just their seedling leaves, so I was just being crazy. I think next year I'll plant a few then plant a few more in the weeks to come. I can already tell its going to be a big deal getting them all off and frozen before they go bad. We lost two plants in the wind storm. Two out of roughly 30 (I can't remember how many we have) is not too shabby. I didn't take them down because they are still green despite being bent and seemingly broken. Will they still come through? We will see, my friends.
Pole Beans: They have begun to ascend up the garden fence that is our makeshift trellis. I'm so antsy for some fresh green beans.
Cucumbers: My goodness these are taking off. I was really worried because the seedling leaves started to turn brown/dry and I thought since I hadn't hardened them off before I planted them that it was sunburn. I'm starting to think that maybe that's just what they do. The plant otherwise looks pretty healthy and is starting to climb up the trellis.
Tomatoes: We've got green little tomatoes on the vine. I've been pruning them, now that I know how, and I think its doing the plant a lot of good. There is so much air flowing around in there and I would like to believe (although, its probably just my imagination) that for every green branch I take off, one fruit branch appears and sets those blessed yellow flowers. I am still surprised every single time I prune it how much the "branches" smell like fresh, ripe tomatoes. Its so tantalizing. I have a feeling we're going to have a great tomato harvest this year.
Watermelon: booo. Booooo for the watermelon. If it doesn't get any bigger soon, I'm going to rip it out. Its just sitting there lookin' like I just started it yesterday. The seeds are up, but I feel like it's been a two leaf seedling for about three weeks. This is what not having a camera is like; you have to rely on your fallible memory. I don't think we'll get any watermelon this year. Next year, I start it from seed under the lights because this is ridiculous.
Raspberries: I reluctantly trimmed and prunned them down (like I probably should have done a while ago) and realized it was the best thing I could have done. The big, strong canes that had been lost amidst the short, new suckers have set a bunch of flowers that are already starting to turn to berries. I say "already" like its a miracle, but really, the season is almost upon us. I just expected that if I hacked out over half of our growth that we'd get a small harvest. Won't make that mistake again. So far, I have not seen any of those dang Japanese beetles that basically destroyed the plants last year. I'm not sure when they come out, but I'm ready for 'em.
Asparagus: Feathery and large. I had thought that each crown would sent up just one shoot this year (since I know nothing about growing asparagus). However, once that initial one popped through the soil and started to fern, we have asparagus popping up all over the place. I think we're going to be gifting asparagus once it all comes in and we're allowed to harvest for the whole season (in two years).
Corn: Well, my neighbor is slightly jealous. He's on his 3rd set of corn starts and they aren't performing. He keeps looking at our corn that is just below our knees and shaking his head. I feel bad for him because that is how I felt about ALL of his vegetables last year. I think he's going to get some corn on his doorstep this season just because they are awesome neighbors.
Strawberries: These things are sending out runners like crazy. Its easier to pull off all the flowers (to keep it from making fruit) now that I've gone strawberry picking. Next year we can let it flower and start harvesting it. I don't think its going to be too crazy to assume that the entire patch will be covered completely with strawberries.
Herbs: (Cilantro & Basil) We lost the oregano at some point. I think the ground was too cold... and I didn't water them like I should have. Oops. The Cilantro is coming up like crazy. The Basil is still really, really small but its there; we haven't killed it yet. We'll see if it grows.
Peppers: the peppers seem to like being right up by the deck. Our garden doesn't get a lot of morning sun, but the deck planter boxes do. We've got a few little fruits that look like they are starting to form. We have planted peppers for three years and have yet to harvest even a single one. This will be the year, I can already tell.

Next to Start:

It is time to start some broccoli under the lights for fall plantings. I'm going to buy a light timer so that those poor babies aren't relying on my memory or availability to drink some light.Also going to try the "put in a shallow saucer of water" method for the constant watering wicking.

Ideas

Converting the garden to the (slightly modified) square foot gardening method. I rented the book from the library, loved it, bought it, and have been mulling over it for a couple weeks now. I can't believe how genius it is.
Trellis melons and tomatoes like the SFG method suggests. It looks crazy, but not so crazy that it won't work. Reading is dangerous.

Other "Homesteady" things:

Put up some strawberry jam. The first two batches worked perfectly. The third and fourth failed to set. Alissa wanted me to make some for her too, so I did two pots at the same time but seperatly because I'd read that the pectin won't set if you make a big batch. The pectin didn't set when I made two seperatly either, darn it. I'm going to open them up and re cook them to try and save them. Canning is a whole heck of a lot easier than I expected it to be. I've taken to heart the piece of advice that says not to try and do all the canning all at one time. Instead it suggested to take quick shots at it as the produce is ready so that you don't get burnt out. So far, so good. Obviously you have to can when things are ready, so I think step one is planting so that enough for one batch is ready at a time (of course thats WHEN POSSIBLE. I know sometimes its unavoidable.)
The chickens stopped laying eggs for about a week. Every egg that they did lay they cracked open and pecked apart. I think its their way of protesting the fact that they don't have access to the garden anymore and can only run about when we let them out. (We have to do that until we make a chicken tractor now that the neighbor has a dog). I started letting them out more and gave them new straw for their nest (they refuse to lay in the nest box). The very next day we had two beautiful, brown, large eggs just waiting to come inside. Btw... most other countries don't refrigerate their eggs. I was at first appalled but then felt freed by this information. I'm a little less creeped out by an egg I find at the end of the hot day.
Spent a few hours last night researching grass-fed beef. I was reminded again that I really, really want to buy a share in a dairy cow for some raw milk. I set my email lines and had one bite this morning on the grass fed beef. we'd have to drive about 3 hours to get it, but its prime vacation area up there anyway, so why not make a fun day out of it. Most of the places apparently fill up their orders in March. Who knew? Next year I'll jump a little quicker. I'm not completely decided on whether we'll get a quarter split of beef this year. My dad has a (handicap and therefore allowed to shoot out of season) friend that has a license to shoot as many deer as he can on a farmers property. I'm totally against their plan of shooting the deer and letting them stack up. It just seems wasteful. I asked if we could have some and they said come and get 'em and that we'd just have to pay for processing. So, maybe we'll just do venison this year and get the cow next year. Still debating. Nothing like a good beef steak.

Pictures, pictures I know would make this post a whole lot better. We're still waiting for our tax refund (we were refunded half but since they didn't accept Ameira's soc number they still owe us over $1000. grrr. How is that fair?) and then I will go buy a camera. Patience, Nancy, patience.

Impatience and a Two-Year-Old... Not a Good Combination.

2010-06-18T23:44:00.000-04:00

Some day are better than others. Some days I can control myself a whole lot better than others. Other days, I'm not the mom that I want to be. I am quick to anger, quick to speak sharply, and quick to lose anything that even closely resembles patience.

Yesterday evening I noticed that Ameira felt warm while we were at my mom's house. There was some hoopla about finding a thermometer that worked properly and then finding some baby medication. Warm was a temperature of 101. Ryan ended up driving home to deliver some baby tylenol & ibuprofen around 2am. There was a little tension about this, but suffice it to say I've already done the getting the kids up in the middle of the night for an emergency; I was not about to do it again with two miserable, sick kids when I had another option (even a not very likely one). We're getting better about meeting in the middle.

I have not forgotten how miserable fevers are.

Sick kids; both feverish, both noses running, both coughing... Ameira is still as pleasant as can be. Freak-child. She's so darn happy and content; even with a fever. There's a whole lot of whining going on in these here parts though. Nothing makes me batty like whining. One particular conversation with Aayla went like this,

Acey
Me
Slight whine, but nothing too bad: "Can I run on the sprink-wer?"
"Maybe, lets get it hooked up."
Full out sobbing, "I don't wanna hooked it up."
"Okay, then I'll hook it up."
"I don't wanna you hook it up!"
"Okay, if neither of us hooks it up, then it won't work and you can't run through it."
Kicking and screaming, "Why!?!?! I WANT TO RUN THROUGH THE SPRINKLER."
"Okay, let me hook it up and you can run through it."
"I DON'T WANT TO RUN THROUGH THE SPRINKLER."
"Okay, don't."
"I WANT TO RUN THROUGH THE SPRINKLER."

BAHHH. There was a whole lot of "quiet time" given today. I tried really, really hard to cut her some slack, but even I had to take some time-outs. Bless Ryan, he got up on-time [or what he knows I consider on-time] and gave me a break. I went out and weeded and just listened to the chickens complaining. Chickens are a lot easier to handle when they whine then a two year old.

Whats not easy to handle in the garden? When your fabulous two year old picks all the green off the growing carrots and feeds them to the chickens. Someday I will laugh about that. Not today, folks. Not today.

Starry Night

2010-06-13T00:40:00.000-04:00

Warm summer nights make me want to be rebellious. They make me want to skinny dip or light off big fireworks. They make me want to lay on a blanket under the stars and imagine what I will be when I grow up. They bring me back to a place when I was beautiful and crazy, confident and adventurous; when I had all the doors available to become any of a bazillion versions of myself. They bring me back to a place when I believed that life could have a nicely tied package of happy ending, instead of the complicated ups and downs that are somehow more satisfying than that package could ever be. They make me want to be that girl that just wanted to have a little fun without worrying about the consequences.