Saturday, January 11, 2014

Wallowing


I thought about posting something I learned today but realized it's said best by just posting the emails I sent to a friend:

6:00pm

TODAY WAS A DAY FROM HELL. Okay it wasn't. Not even close, BUT IT MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN. I just want to crawl in a hole and die or else blow my brains out. I got through some chores this morning before we headed out to do some errands before coming back for nap time so I could run out and do the bulletin while Ryan was awake and home with the kids. Sounds good, right? 
What really happened was that we didn't actually leave until 11:40 after fighting to get said chores done (list making, crap cleaning up) and out the door. I realized I hadn't fed them breakfast. HOW? We stopped for errands at my moms and she gave them baggies of fruit, nuts, candy and a waffles to take. I drove to Alissa's house and grabbed more crap from her basement. Went to Aldis and met the worlds rudest cashier who seemed annoyed I was alive. By the end I apologized for my ignorance of Aldis ways and told her it was my first time there and she softened up a bit... but not before she had cracked my container of cottage cheese and made me feel stupid. Alissa had come with me and we had used the same cart. Her order and my order were being organized/separated/loaded on the belt and the cashier went a lot quicker than we anticipated. She "finished" my order and totaled it but I hadn't finished getting my stuff on the belt. She misunderstood and took out the separator, adding Alissa's items to my bill. ugh. I pointed it out, and explained. She snapped at me for not having my items up there, but when I tried to make room to get them up there she wouldn't shut the belt off so as I would clear it, it would go. I asked if she could shut it off and she she snapped at me to be patient. Ugh. Meanwhile my children are JUMPING from the top of the cart, while I was distracted, and a strange woman was attempting to save their lives. She was kind enough not to give me the "You are a bad mom" look. I was SUPER overwhelmed and exhausted and DONE. 
We still had Penzeys to get bulk spices/herbs. Then we still had Meijer since Aayla was gifted THIRTY DOLLARS OF POP CANS TO RETURN to put toward her ipad. What's more awesome than returning sticky pop cans? THREE CHILDREN INSISTING ON DOING THE RETURNING. I will be washing everyone's coats tonight. And then more grocery shopping. I have exactly $7 left for the week and felt like I did SUCH A GOOD JOB of being frugal, but it was not worth it to me. I would rather shoot myself in the head than take them with me again. Am I doing this wrong?!?!? I don't get how people do this? 
It took me FIVE HOURS to shop frugally. And that sent me right into the thick of it with hungry, sick, tired, crabby, wild children. 
I am angry that today was so hard. I am angry that it is so hard for me to do something that I thought I was already doing; being frugal. I am angry. 
Then I am angry because I am angry about such a dumb, entitled, frivolous thing. I am angry that this is my reality that I want to cry about not being able to spend $2 on a Meijer bell pepper because I can get two Aldis bell peppers for $1.50 for the pair. I'm not angry that Ryan doesn't make more. I am just angry that I haven't ACTUALLY been doing what I thought I had been doing all along. I am angry that I can't just keep on keepin' on. I'm angry that I'm crying over this while other women cry because they know they will have to look into their children's faces and tell them there is no more food to eat to quiet their hungry bellies. I hate being ungrateful. 
We won't be at church tomorrow. Bree clarified that its PINK EYE. minor detail. SORRY! Nobody else seems to have it but Asher. Aayla's sore throat is gone? Or she is just not complaining about it? We are still going to stay home and cross our fingers that hanging out yesterday doesn't mean you will be down with it. 
We still have to head to church to do the bulletin. The kids just finished dinner with Ryan ONE HOUR ago. Aayla just walked in and asked when dinner is because she is hungry. My mouth wants to cuss. All three of them FOUGHT to finish eating and now all three are HUNGRY. ONE. HOUR. LATER. ONE! 
I need to go to bed early. Maybe tomorrow I will realize I am sick and that is why I have had such a poisonous day mentally.  
Are you still my friend after all this "transparency"?

10:00pm

"I sat there wallowing in how awful of a day it had been. I was laying in my bed, actually, with the laptop on my lap typing furiously away first to you and then on the church bulletin file. Asher came in and said, "Kin I 'nuggle wif you?" I said, "Yep, just don't knock the cord out." He laid next to me and then out of the blue said, "Mom, why you so nice to me? I jis wuv you." Thank you, Holy Spirit for prompting my son to encourage me in that way.  
He left.  
Aayla came in about 20 minutes later and said, "Mom, I notice you aren't too happy; I am sorry if I did anything to cause it." "Ohhh, honey, it's not you, you guys are good. I am not mad at you. I am just having a bad day because of a bunch of new things and places and ideas that have come at me today and I didn't know how to handle them so I became overwhelmed." "Oh, well, I just want you to know, Mom, that I love you and I think sometimes that I wish I could hold you and rock you and tell you it's going to be okay. Are you overwhelmed now?" "No, hunny, I'm not. Being in my bed has helped a lot, thank you." "Okay, let me know if there is anythign I can do for you."  
Ameira on the other hand... just kidding. 
Seriously though, just when I think I am about to snap. Just when I think that I want to curl up and give up... He sends the encouragement that I need that says, "You are loved. You are appreciated. It's worth taking the time to do it right, handle it right, process it right, act out right... little eyes are watching."  
I love God. He never makes me feel like wallowing for long."


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