It's 3am. I'm awake. Everyone is asleep; quiet. Things just don't ever stay the same, do they? I'm thankful for that in some areas and sad about it in others--like that Asher is shedding babyness a little more everyday.
Remember how I was struggling a few posts ago? Boom. Different. Completely. I don't even know how it happened, but it did. Praise the Lord, sincerely. I almost feel like our marriage is slightly bi-polar sometimes. I have 100% faith that we are where we should be; not because of outward signs and nice things that happen... but because sometimes people's hearts show through even when they don't intend for it to happen. Little outward signs are a like a little weathervane--pointing out which direction the wind is blowing. The little weathervane of our marriage is pointing to thriving. See? Sometimes time--AND THE LORD--do heal all wounds.
I was texting with my friend today about how blessed I feel. I've learned to [attempt to] stop living in the past, [to attempt to] stop living in the future with all it's what ifs, but instead live in the contentment of the now. I say, "to attempt to" because it's not like it's something you can declare and then never deal with again. Nope, it's a constant choice--but the good news is that it's a choice that if made consistently then you have to make less often.
The last couple weeks, without being asked, Ryan has gotten up with the kids on his second day off. He has made breakfast and lunch... and dinner for the most part too. He has done chores as they need to be done instead of waiting to be asked to do them. He's taking ownership of our routine in ways that he hasn't really ever done. It's not commentary on how bad things were--far from it... I felt like it was my job. It's just that the more he does around here on his days off... the more I get to be Fun Mom instead of Slavedriver Mom. I pointed it out to him today and made sure that he knew I was grateful for the change. He just shrugged like it was no big deal.
He shrugged like it was no big deal. And that is the moment that made my heart swell with love and gratitude, feelings of "he gets me" and contentment, feelings of "he is the love of my life."
I'm convinced that everybody goes through their own version of "THE MOST HORRIBLE TRIAL OF A LIFETIME." And it stretches you and grows you in ways you never imagined you'd ever manage to be twisted. Afterwards, you are proud you survived. Afterwards, you wish you could wear it as a badge of honor because as cliche as it is, it made you YOU. All the ups and downs over the past couple years is something that I am so thankful for at the core of my being. I really feel like we get each other better.
Quit rambling, Nancy.
We received Ryan's Christmas gift from his employer; $100 gift cards to the city he works in. He usually gets weird about them so I figured I'd not even ask for part of them; whatever, it's not worth the tension. That guy took us out to eat (burritos and wine, both are my favorite) followed by a movie. He woudln't tell me WHAT movie, but I assumed it was going to be an action movie for the XY crowd, with a love interest thrown in there for the XX crowd. I haven't paid attention to ANY current movies since we have gone to the theatre exactly 1 time in the last.... at LEAST 5 years. Les Miserables. I love him for it. And I love him even more for it because he actually liked it. It would have to be one of my top favorite books. Best news was that when we cashed in the gift cards... we got change back that covered the babysitter. Woot, woot. We even have $2 leftover from the night.
But seriously. I am feel really emotional tonight (maybe because it's 3am??) thinking about how thankful I am for him and for where this New Year finds us.
And... his iPhone comes tomorrow. If he REALLY loved me, he'd say, Oh, Nancy, go ahead YOU take the iphone. okay, okay. Maybe I should work on MY selfishness now.