There are these very specific moments that are kind of like, "hey, hold up lady. You're out of line" moments to me. Moments that I realize that I am reacting over the top (or out to the side, or way under the top... basically not reacting exactly how I should... or even a very generous "that will do") and it's a moment that I realize that yes, I am acting inappropriately... but the more concerning aspect is that my heart is out of sync with God.
My heart has gotten away from me. When did I notice it? ohhh about the same moment that I reacted to the calm and gentle (no, seriously) statement, "I know you haven't forgiven me." with not, "But I have forgiven you, because God has forgiven me SO MUCH that I can graciously, joyously, lovingly offer you a minuscule amount--comparably--of the grace, mercy, forgiveness that my Savior has so generously offered me..."
Oh no. That is not what came out of my mouth. Nope, it was rather, "YOU DO NOT DESERVE FORGIVENESS. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO FORGIVENESS. IT IS MY GIFT TO GIVE AND I DONT HAVE TO GIVE IT." hmmm Out of the mouth the heart speaks. And in this case, my heart is black. I don't accept wallowing around with a black heart, but I also don't believe in whitewashing my heart so it looks white on the outside. I need to get there in time. I need to get there honestly and purely.
I am carrying around this anger because I feel like I deserve to. I have been snippy with my kids. I have been quick to get angry over childish things--like Moo spilling a big glass of creamy milk on the couch because she was holding the top of the sippy cup between her teeth and did a head shake while saying, "look, no hands!!" I actually yelled, "Seriously. DUH. You should have KNOWN that would not end well." When you say "duh" to a three-year-old in a mean-momma voice, you are out of line. So completely out of line. And the worst part is that it's not really the insinuating that they are stupid is the problem. The fact that you got mad is. The fact that something that trivial could throw me so far off balance is the problem. Obviously, I was just waiting to vent some misdirected anger out.
I think if I could count on certain circumstances being continuously crappy I would learn to work around it. I'd learn to cut the ties that need to be cut, move on and keep trucking. It's the having everything be fine, great, awesome... and then suddenly it's not just bad, but like pretty close to rock bottom for a breath...and then right back to "everything is fine again." I have no control over it. And the more I learn about myself the more I learn that I like to be in control. The insecurity of it all just makes me... uhhh insecure. Insecure and angry for the insecurity. Not just mad, but like a seething simmer, under the surface that you just learn to function with. I don't want to function with anger. I don't want to learn to keep it in check. It's been sitting there for about a month and I want it out of my heart. I don't want to fight with it anymore. I want it to be an issue in the past that doesn't get anything but a stack of rocks saying "Look what God has done. Hallelujah."
I will get there, I know--my faith and hope have not vanished. In the meantime, I'm compartmentalizing it and continuing to walk forward. Walking wounded.