So here is the thing that life is teaching me. When I finally let go of my "I can fix it" mentality and just admit that I'm struggling... things start turning around. It happened once I finally admitted that--bad mom or not--I loved my little 3-week-old Ameira but I didn't like her because she screamed all day and night. That is not normal, therefore there should be help to fix it. 2 weeks and a prescription of zantac later, I was lovin' on my baby and eating up her smiles and sleeping noises.
After posting that last one, I've felt like I've hit a new point where I can say--bad wife/person/christian or not--this sucks and shouldn't be normal. And instead of a prescription for pills, God is sending me something that is a little better; a changing perspective, a new focus. I've had verses come to mind pretty much constantly. So thankful for the ability to hide his "word in my heart, so that I might not sin against [him]."
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of Truth.
There is safety in committing my spirit to God because he CAN redeem me. He has redeemed me and he can renew me--he can pick me up, dust me off, and set me on the straight path again. It's not about my circumstances, it's about my reaction to them. It's not about me, it ultimately is about my faith in God. Still not where I want to be, but feeling hope and encouragement today.