Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Also. I Need.

I need to live in the country. Or shut our blinds. I go through the morning routine with the kids in my underwear and bra. I need to work on that. This morning I looked out the window as I was cleaning up a bowl of dumped of this, minus the fancy raspberries, to see my neighbor--whom I will call Bob--standing in the lawn between our houses. That also happens to be to his real name--but it's a good fake name too that makes you think I'm protecting his identity. Either way, it was a good thing I was cleaning up a mess from the floor otherwise he'd have gone in and told his wife that they needed to board up their windows on our side.

Also. I need to tell you something funny. When we were first married, eons ago--otherwise known as 2004, I made 3 weeks of chicken dishes for dinner--maybe one dish of ground turkey in place of beef since I don't . Ryan told me that he needed to eat meat. I replied, umm I am pretty sure that chicken is meat. To which he then replied, I mean MEAT, Nancy. Chicken is NOT meat. Ryan's response last week--otherwise known in Mom talk as anytime within the last 6 month-- to my dad talking about beef prices rising was that we'd just need to eat less meat. This week we are eating precisely three meat dishes. One for breakfast and two for dinner. One of those is a salmon dish so even some vegetarians don't believe that is considered a meat dish. I'm slowing poisoning his brain. It's just in time since he has heart disease. Just kidding, Ryan's Mom. He wasn't told to fast before his blood test for the "volunteer" fire department health screening. His cholesterol came back highER and his blood pressure was highER. And being a police officer automatically means you are going to pass either by a gunshot or heart disease. Obviously. So this is why I lead him step by step down the path toward total hippy. The man was seriously talking about making a Turducken wrapped in bacon. This is why men need women. He cannot be trusted with his own arteries.

And now. If I'm not the weirdest friend that Josh has yet, I also need to tell you that I will also need a bath more often because I also plan to make homemade deodorant. Also join the no 'poo masses. Also.

And I periodically drink pop--like once a week to once every three weeks. Which I still feel is somewhat of a cheating thing since I gave up pop. Maybe I will skip till Christmas. I don't need it anymore though. I also don't feel very good after I have it. Which I never noticed before. However I can drink straight up carbonated water from the soda stream now, so I'm pretty much awesome.


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