Saturday, July 2, 2011

When is This All Supposed to Happen?

So this is my blog. My place to spill my struggles. I feel guilty for taking time to say all this, but it really is a struggle I need to think through... with the aide of my fingers. I'm a lot more insecure than I pretend to be.

I miss my friends. I miss Ry. I want to be brave enough to try a new church but don't feel like I have the time to sink into making new friendships. I wish Moo wasn't so medically fragile.

I'm lonely. That is one of the hardest parts to accept about this season of life.

Asher wakes at 7:30 or 8am to eat. He stays awake until right about 9 and then crashes from 9-12. Ameira goes down for her nap around 1:30 and sleeps until 3. I remember hating this when Moo & Ace had opposite napping schedules. This will pass. It just makes it hard.

Our church attendance has gotten spotty again and I take full responsibility for that. Ry takes Aayla for worship team practice every other Sunday to make it easier for me to come... but even then, I get us all ready to walk out the door... and I sit and stare at Moo thinking, "Do I really want to do this?" If Ameira goes to nursery, every blasted Wednesday after she comes down with a runny nose. I hardly bring her anymore. Why? Because when the girl gets a cold, she is OUT for about a month. I am not exaggerating. I took her to church 2 Sundays ago. She quit wheezing yesterday with the help of a steroid medication and two different inhaler medications. It is R I D I C U L O U S to say the least. Its taken her 2 Sundays to stop wheezing, but she still has a runny nose and cough. I would be pissed if I walked in with a healthy kid and saw a kid lookin' like her. I will keep her out this week and we'll see how it goes the following week. I have considered keeping her out but up until 2 weeks ago I was keeping Asher out too... and I couldn't manage both of them out. Sometimes I think, oh well, just send her! But then I feel really guilty doing that to other parents who are probably just as frustrated as I am. I know she'll get older and be less susceptible to illness... partly because she'll quit putting stuff in her mouth and she'll be able to wash her own hands before eating that darn snack. I know it will pass, it is just hard. She also needs the interaction that nursery brings for her development. I'm not sure keeping her out of nursery until she is two and then dumping her in there telling her I will pick her up later will be successful. She won't have built that trust up and I don't want her to have to struggle like that unnecessarily. Her getting sick means we don't go out until she is better. We don't see anyone except my parents or the people we pass at the grocery store. It makes. me. so. crazy. 

Part of the loneliness while we are well is very much something I can control. If I could just work up the guts to switch to a church in our community I think my life would be blessed for it. Saving all that gas! for one. Being able to go to church other than just Sunday mornings. Being able to serve during the week rather than just on Sundays which is too complicated because of not being able to commit (if Ry is gone and a kid gets sick? if Ry is there and he is playing guitar for the service...and a kid gets sick? you get the picture). I would LOVE having girls in my community to hang out with for an hour or two spontaneously. There is nothing spontaneous about trying to drive 40 minutes, stay long enough to make the gas worth it, and then driving home for 40 minutes... without missing naptimes. I would LOVE to leave for church in the morning and have packed FOR CHURCH, not for the entire day and possibly next day if we need to spend the night at my moms because we're out too late. It just seems so much less complicated to go to church, come home, switch gears, and head back out. AND. If we lived closer and a kid was sick, we could take turns staying home. Ry could go to the service and play (bc playing is a gift that I'm sure where ever we attend he will be using), and then I could go to the Sunday School portion (or whatever each church calls is). Thats not really an option now unless we traded kids in the parking lot rather than at home. I just really suck at meeting new people.

So enough with the church aspect of it.

I think an unavoidable aspect of this season of life is that everybody has kids that have their own bedtimes and naptimes and sickness quarantines. I feel like every weekend finds me hanging out at my mom's because I've given up asking people to hang out. Ry works every other weekend and I'm not sure why but it feels like if I ask a couple to hang out as families while he is working then it just makes the friend's husband feel weird. I am probably projecting that. I don't want to steal time from a couple by asking just the girlfriend to hang out because I know how precious Ry's time off for us is. However... when you stop asking people to hang out... you can't expect those people to remember to ask you to hang out.

I'm realizing more and more that I'm a small group, committed friend type of girl. That I'm so very, very insecure when it comes to friendships. If I feel like someone doesn't have the time for me I start to second guess the entire friendship and read WAY too much into small gestures or oversights. I don't get all bent out of shape I just assume that they have better things to do with their other friends. I never in a million years would have thought I would be like this. But really? I don't have a lot of time to hang out either. I am possessive about Ryan's nights off because of how much time we do get with him. I feel like it is such of waste of our time together if I plan to go out, leaving him with the kids for the night. I trust him with the kids, its just that I want to be there too to soak up any spare minute I can with him. There are projects to do and quality time to be spent as a family. I also think its important for him to take off, leaving me with the kids, so he can develop strong relationships with his guy friends. But when is this all supposed to happen? If I only plan to go out on the nights he is working to be most efficient with Ryan's time... that means I have to have a sitter every time. I get over-think-ish about how much is too much to ask my mom or sisters to babysit. How much is too much to have my kids gone from me all the time?

And round and round we go. blah blah blah.

I miss my friends. I miss Ry. I want to be brave enough to try a new church but don't feel like I have the time to sink into making new friendships. I wish Moo wasn't so medically fragile.


Marissa said...

I thought of you this past weekend when I drove by the Coopersville exit. I sure wish I would have stopped to see you. I miss you and I don't know why I didn't stop. I haven't seen you since Ameira was a baby!! Have you guys visited churches in your area yet or still waiting to make that step?

nancy said...

Wait... you drove by coopersville?!? There is either a Coopersville in Virginia or YOU ARE IN MI and I have completely missed it. I'd LOVE to see you. When are you driving back through? I'm guessing you are in Muskegon? Well, I think we are currently sticking to the following [legit but still excusey] excuses: we haven't because we've either been sick or Ry has been playing for the worship team. However, I talked to him about it and I think I'm going to attempt a church this Sunday. I am nervous about meeting new people, I'm nervous about doing it alone... but in the end that is all it is. Bite the bullet. Rip the band-aide off. We've KNOWN we wanted to change churches before Ace started getting involved in church... and this fall starts cubbies. So... its now or never.