Friday, February 18, 2011

Wouldn't Change a Thing... 'Cause I Can't.

I prepared my mind to not cry, stick to the facts, and stress that this baby needs to GET OUT because I can't do it anymore. Mostly, I can't do it alone in the evenings and at night while Ry is at work anymore. I told her how Ace had an ear infection that burst her eardrum, and Moo had a cold that kept her up coughing/crying for 3 straight hours (strategically starting AFTER Ace was finally asleep) and how helpless I was because of it all. I couldn't get up to help them so I resorted to yelling to them and getting up the least amount of times possible. I told her how its a slow downhill pretty much after 6pm with what I can do physically. However, the law is the law, and legally she can't schedule a c-section for a pregnancy that isn't having medical complications even a day earlier than 39 weeks. I know I'm desperate, but I'm not going to pretend that my issues throw me up there with the women that are dealing with actual, you know, life threatening issues. Sometimes I feel like people are thinking, "Psh, get over it Nancy, people with twins are going through so much worse than what you are going through." Maybe. But I'm telling you, this is not normal end of pregnancy pain. Smug-first-pregnancy-Nancy, I'm wishing it was possible to slap you for thinking that pregnancy wasn't that big of a deal and people were just big complainers. And to make it even better. He has now turned head down. I was literally praying he'd stay breech. Breech gives the luxury of not having a baby head burrowing ever-downward into an already tender, painful area. Breech isn't comfortable, but it was that much less pressure down there.

So I threw a pity party while the girls were napping.

Then, I accepted that I can't change the circumstances so I have to change my mind about how I'm dealing with them. I'm already praying about it, so maybe that is why I'm not throwing myself off a bridge right now. Just half-kidding. I have 7 nights that I will be alone between now and the scheduled Mar 3 c-section. This weekend will find me, again, at my mom's. Monday & Tuesday Ryan will be home. Wednesday & Thursday the girls and I will be spending the night at my sister's. Ry will be home for the weekend (PRAISE THE LORD), and that leaves me with one night alone before Ryan's parents get here. One night. I can do that. Yesterday I was ready to throw in the towel, but today the sun is shining and I'm encouraged. I love my family. I love my husband. I love my kids. This Asher bump gets a spankin' when he comes out, but I love him too.

During my pity party, Ryan went out and bought Chinese food because I had said I wanted it the other day. He also grabbed a box of cherry coke and a container of orange slice candy. If you know anything about Ryan and his view on sugar... you'd know that this is a big deal that usually takes at least a half hour of convincing him how desperately I want it. He did hand it over with a stern reminder to brush my teeth directly following, but it was still love. Do you know how loved it made me feel to have him say verbally, "Just tell me what I can do, I'll do anything." That is such a good reminder to me that we are a team and that he is IN this thing... no matter how "emotionally compromised" (to steal from the All-State commercial) I am. It's a good reminder that I'm not alone; struggling through this and needing to figure out how to take care of myself and my girls.

This is the sweetness of marriage at it's best.

And, its made even better by the fact that we are having a pre-spring thaw. I know its probably going to all freeze again. I know that it might even snow again. But seeds are planted, the sun is shining, I have wonderful family, this baby will eventually come out, and spring will eventually get here.

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