Monday, December 7, 2009

Ranting and Raving

Okay, so progress on the milk supply thing. I think it was a first step, but it hasn't been the cure I was hoping for. I think that was a side issue that needed to be dealt with, but I think she should be labeled with "colic." Not the end of the world. It happens to a lot of babies... and their parents. We can get through it, its just a matter of time. I figure even if we don't find the cure for her, she'll eventually grow out of it... and really, these months go fast. (Sure, I say that now.) I decreased my milk supply, but she really only eats for about ten minutes. More often than not, she eats less than ten minutes. She will then last roughly 2 1/2-3 hours. That's normal. The eating so fast isn't. I'm sure that has everything to do with the subsequent vomiting, gas, and screaming. I feed her off of one side per feeding session--unless she acts like one side is empty--instead of trying to be balanced. I see improvements.

The next step is getting her checked out to make sure that there isn't something big wrong. I set up an appointment today for Wednesday. They gave me the choice between seeing someone other than her doctor tomorrow or waiting until Wednesday. I opted for her doctor. I want the relationship because I think we'll get more help out of it in the long run. I'm really thinking about cutting out sugar and dairy. Unless you know me, you'll think "oh, no big deal." But seriously, I don't really care much for alcohol. I don't care much for coffee. I don't care much for all those other "recreational beverages." I like pop and I like Chai. I think I'd even say that I LOVE pop. Its not even an issue of cutting out the caffeine... but cutting out ALL pop because of the sugar??!? It makes me jittery just thinking about it. I don't have a lot of frills left in my life that are just mine anymore. My movie watching has turned into a shoot 'em ups or dirty cop movies or war movies. I don't even shower alone anymore much less go to the bathroom by myself. I don't get a lot of spending money because of our decision to be a one income family so I don't get to spend fun time shopping for clothes, going out with girlfriends, concerts, etc. I have a select few things that I do just for myself so I'm really hesitant to let it go.

However, listening to Ameira scream for five or six hours straight... in the middle of the night... when I have to get up with my tornado toddler in the morning... that makes me jittery too. Because she does. Last Thursday night she screamed from 9:30 pm until 4 in the morning. Thankfully Ryan was home and needing to stay up anyway. And lets be clear. She would stop crying when you laid her over your knees on her belly and bounced--but the crying would begin again about 15 minutes later. Friday she cried from 7:30pm until I fed her at 8 and began after eating/burping at 8:15 until somewhere close to 2:30 am. Then Aayla woke and cried from 3-4 and Ameira woke at 4:30 and cried/ate/burped until 5:30. Ryan came home at 6:30 and woke me to say hi and let me know that his plans changed for the day. Thankfully he took Ace with him in the morning so I just had to deal with mys own grouchy self and Ameira. Saturday night was a little better, thanks to a swing we borrowed from a friend.

I know a lot of people have colicky babies, but that doesn't make it easier to deal with. I was seriously considering leaving the girls alone in the house while I drove around the block because all I wanted to do was smash my baby. I controlled myself by praying for her. I'm too scared to leave them alone in the house because all it would take is one split second accident and I would be hurt and the babies would be alone... and then they'd most likely be taken away from me and I'd be in trouble with the law for leaving them. Yep, I'm that girl that thinks that way. Everyone says, "let me know if I can do anything for you." But its HARD to take people up on it. We live about a half hour from all our friends that are willing to help. I feel guilty asking them to drive all the way over here to pick up Aayla just to drive all the way back to their home with her. Its just too complicated to match up schedules. I feel like in order to get help, I have to be able to wrangle the girls and pack everything they'll need first. If I can't manage that then I can't request help. Its also frustrating when people ask repeatedly if they can help, so I finally do... but am made to feel like I'm burdening them. If you want me to ask you for help, please be prepared for me to do so. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

I've heard all kinds of suggestions ranging from ones that make me feel like its all my fault to helpful ones like bringing her to the chiropractor. I guess its all in the way that its phrased. Yes, I'm sensitive. Especially when I'm super stressed out. When I've been holding and rocking this baby for the third straight hour while trying to keep Aayla from starting her own downward emotional spiral and my stress level is through the roof... the last thing I want to hear is, "What did you eat? Should you really have eaten _____??! Did you burp her good enough? did you _______." It makes me not think about how to resolve Ameira's problem, but instead it makes me want to punch YOU in the face. However, if the same "suggestions" were phrased, "hmmm, I wonder if the ____ we ate is making her tummy upset." or "here, let me try burping her." or "have you considered cutting out dairy and sugar from your diet? I hear that helps a little." I think it would be easier to not feel like I'm getting all the blame for this child's sensitive and under developed digestive system. I will gladly make changes to my habits in order to help this baby, but don't make me feel like its all my fault and I should have already figured this all out by now. I also hate it when people get me freaked out that its something horribly, horribly wrong with her and that I should've taken her to the doctor about it WEEKS ago.

I don't know. Its hard. This post probably makes me sound like I'm a real witch but I'm being real. I'm not perfect. If these few months of colic bring out that side of me, its still me just the side that is normally easy to control.

In brighter news, tonight is my bi-weekly night off. See, even though I don't have MANY frills in my life this whole newly created night off is my life saver. And I'm looking forward to it. And I will be drinking pumpkin chai and reading books. The end.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Nancy pants, i love your transparency :) your honesty. after reading this i just wanted to give you a huge massive hug and then follow it up with approximately 17.893 more massive hugs :)

and if it comes down to you giving up soda (err...POP!), i can be here for you! coming up on 13 months clean. sober. dry.