Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Doors

On the way to Manistee National Forest to go snow shoeing with Ryan we had LOTS of time to talk. We don't get alone time together very often and my mother graciously offered to have an Aayla day. I don't know exactly how it came up but it went something like me asking him if he missed the carefree, relatively responsibility-free days. He said he didn't miss them because it was too stressful not being in a life-path.

And then my mind just took off. I mean, I like being married. I like the stability of knowing that Ryan loves me unconditionally, that we have a steady income, a place to live, etc. But sometimes I can't help thinking that I miss those days when I could dream up all these amazing things that were going to happen in my life and directions I could be taking. Even if they really were not going to ever happen, sometimes it was still nice to pretend like they could. Maybe that's just my personality. I don't know. It doesn't mean that I'm not satisfied with what I have or who I am. Like, it would be nice to think... I want to travel around the US with Ryan like a couple of hippies and just see our country. Well... that can't happen because we have bills, he has a work schedule with vacation time that falls considerable short of the time required for such an adventure. And oh yea... we have a CHILD. Or... I want to go live in another state and see how simply we could live. Well... that can't happen because we really like where we live and Ryan wants to retire from his current employer. I mean, they are good reasons why these doors are shut... but sometimes it bothers me that they are closed. And then it played in my head like a little movie. Every step forward means that there is something left behind. As we're heading down this long hallway with all these open doors... if we pass one, it shuts. We can't possibly go into every single door, we have to pick and choose. I'm happy with the doors I have opened and where I'm at. I love Ryan with all my heart. I love Aayla with all my heart. I love our friends. I love his job (mostly) and his schedule (relatively) and all the things that these grownup doors have provided for us. I like that I don't worry where we are going to get our next meal from. I like that I don't worry where my child is going to sleep. I like knowing that our life is ours even if we aren't millionaires. I like staying home with Aayla. I like so many things. But sometimes, I miss having the option to be crazy and to have a ton of unknowns. I'm voicing two opposite opinions and trying to meld them together. I know its confusing, but so is my head.

My current dream is about living off the grid on a big chunk of land. However, we can't go farther than 20 miles from the city Ry works for... since he is a fire fighter and needs to be able to respond in a timely manner to any emergencies. We could if we wanted to wait about 20 years, but I really have no desire to buy a big fancy house to tie us over from our current one to our boonies one. We'll see. We have to save up some money and learn a whole lot between now and then. Who knows, this dream might wear off sometime before it could actually happen... because thats what happens with me. I just like thinking about the options.

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